Well, Friday wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was busy getting ready to go to the Lake and stay at a friend's cabin. He's been a close friend for 14 years now and has always been here for me. His wife and him were so warm and welcoming to me and my family this weekend. We are so grateful for the chance to get away and relax at a time that could have been so very difficult. I hope to blog more about our stay with pictures at some point this week.
So, the due date has come and gone. I was really shocked by the immense emotional rollercoaster it brought with it. I honestly believed since we never thought we would make it to September 17, that it would sting a little. How foolish I was. And now that it's gone, it feels different than I expected also.
It feels like I am starting back at the beginning in a way, just a lot milder. I guess it's a new chapter in all this. But I still spent a lot of time missing the twins this weekend, thinking about them, and trying to change things in my mind with the "what ifs". And it drives me absolutely batty. I mean, I've been through all this already. It makes me wonder if I am just going crazy or it's really part of the whole picture.
But I am doing better today. I feel like a did a few weeks ago and am ready to get on the ball with house stuff and Operation C.A. (hehe) I have a million things going on and am trying out a few new routines to make sure everyone and thing gets the attetion it needs and deserves.
I also would like to really mention my social anxiety. Just to put it out there to see if anyone else is going through this, or been through this and it's gone away on it's own. I have always been a very social person. I live for larger crowds!!! But since Lucas and Caleb's birth, I have issues if surrounded by more than 10 or so people. I feel physically and emotionally ill. My heart starts to race and my knees want to buckle. And it doesn't really matter what kind of group I am in, it just hits.
And I find myself feeling the same way when I think about being around extended family. There are a couple of dates coming up where there will be family around and I just start to panic a little. I can pinpoint this one a little more, but I can't seem to work through it. And I really can't decide if I want to push through it and suck it up, or just wait until I am truly ready to be there, around it all. It might be awhile, but I am sure everyone will understand. The combination of it all might just be a bad idea for me at this point.