Monday, September 20, 2010

Where I'm Sitting

Well, Friday wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was busy getting ready to go to the Lake and stay at a friend's cabin. He's been a close friend for 14 years now and has always been here for me. His wife and him were so warm and welcoming to me and my family this weekend. We are so grateful for the chance to get away and relax at a time that could have been so very difficult. I hope to blog more about our stay with pictures at some point this week.

So, the due date has come and gone. I was really shocked by the immense emotional rollercoaster it brought with it. I honestly believed since we never thought we would make it to September 17, that it would sting a little. How foolish I was. And now that it's gone, it feels different than I expected also.

It feels like I am starting back at the beginning in a way, just a lot milder. I guess it's a new chapter in all this. But I still spent a lot of time missing the twins this weekend, thinking about them, and trying to change things in my mind with the "what ifs". And it drives me absolutely batty. I mean, I've been through all this already. It makes me wonder if I am just going crazy or it's really part of the whole picture.

But I am doing better today. I feel like a did a few weeks ago and am ready to get on the ball with house stuff and Operation C.A. (hehe) I have a million things going on and am trying out a few new routines to make sure everyone and thing gets the attetion it needs and deserves.

I also would like to really mention my social anxiety. Just to put it out there to see if anyone else is going through this, or been through this and it's gone away on it's own. I have always been a very social person. I live for larger crowds!!! But since Lucas and Caleb's birth, I have issues if surrounded by more than 10 or so people. I feel physically and emotionally ill. My heart starts to race and my knees want to buckle. And it doesn't really matter what kind of group I am in, it just hits.

And I find myself feeling the same way when I think about being around extended family. There are a couple of dates coming up where there will be family around and I just start to panic a little. I can pinpoint this one a little more, but I can't seem to work through it. And I really can't decide if I want to push through it and suck it up, or just wait until I am truly ready to be there, around it all. It might be awhile, but I am sure everyone will understand. The combination of it all might just be a bad idea for me at this point.


  1. I have a fabulous case of social anxiety myself. Like you I wasn't like this before my baby died. My advice is to give yourself time. The other night I ended up in a situation where I was extremely uncomfortable and the end result was not pretty. I am very careful about how many people I surround myself with because I hate that panicky feeling. I have no idea why this goes hand in hand with baby loss for so many mamas, but I know it's not fun.

  2. Not that my situation was anywhere near as difficult as yours, but I did feel some anxiety around people after my miscarriages. Lasted a few months each time.

  3. I have never been a social person (crowds exhaust me), but I can say my anti-social personality has gotten worse since Drew passed away. If I don't feel like I can talk about Drew freely and openly, I want nothing to do with the situation.
    I am so glad that your weekend at your friends was nice. As you begin this new phase of your healing process, please know that I am sending you giant hugs. I am thinking about you and your boys! <3

  4. I'm glad Friday wasn't as bad as it could have been. I'm glad you had such a nice place to get away to for the weekend with such nice friends.

    I found it really interesting to see how the due date made you feel.

    If you are going crazy, so am I. So are all of us BLM's.

    You aren't the only one with social anxiety. Mine seems to be getting a little better lately, but I have been forced into some work situations where I had to be social. The personal ones are harder. I'm going out for dinner for a friends birthday next week with a bunch of her other friends I haven't met. I'm dreading it. I can be with my friend and that is fine, most of the time, but the thought of having to act normal throughout the dinner is daunting. All I can think about in groups is my baby and I wonder if any of the other women have lost a baby. As much as I try to be involved in the conversation going on around me, it is so hard. I'm more of an introvert in the first place. I prefer small groups anyway, but even small groups are a challenge.

    You have to do what is best for you. If that means not going to some events, then don't go. If other people were in your shoes, they would be doing that.

  5. Thanks for your note on my blog! :-)

    I have always been a pretty social person, but since the boys died I truly dread meeting new people. I am afraid someone will ask me if I have kids, and I (still) don't know quite how to answer that gracefully. It's getting better so that I no longer avoid group situations as much, but I do have to "talk myself down" sometimes.

    You aren't alone! Don't feel obligated to push yourself beyond your limits if you're not comfortable. Take care of yourself!


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