Yesterday was my ever-dreaded dentist appointment. Back in January, I had an appointment to have two cavities filled. I had to reschedule it because I had just found out we were expecting and was EXTREMELY ill. They said we would reschedule it for sometime after my 1st Trimester and I said sure. Well, by the time the appointment came around again, I had to reschedule again because it was set for the same time one of my OB appointments and those came first. So we rescheduled it for June 1st. I called on May 26th to cancel it until after my pregnancy. I explained to them that I was carrying twins and that all the wait kept me from being able to lie on my back for more than 20 minutes at a time. They congratulated me and said they understood.
Well, the rescheduled appointment was yesterday. I was almost physically ill from the anxiety of having to go, update my file, and explain to the hygienist and my dentist how my summer started. So, I get the file to update and have to write out: emergency c-section 06/01/10. Then on meds taking: birth control, prenatal vitamins, and Zyrtec. How's that for confusing someone....prenatals and birth control? I push the tears back and just stare at the wall waiting for my name to be called.
My usual hygienist wasn't there so Tara took care of me. I hadn't met Tara before, and I am sure she had NO idea what was in store for her. The following is a conversation I am sure she'll replay for days:
Tara: "You're not trying again so soon are you? "
Me: (Quietly) "No"
Tara: "Okay, was just asking, we just found out we are expecting again and we have a nine month old. Just wondering if you were doing things how we are."
Me: ( I nod my head and stare out at the gloomy sky."
Tara: "An emergency c-section in June? What happened?"
Me: (I start to really choke up) "We lost our twins in June."
Tara: " I just don't know what to say. Oh my, I am so sorry. I just couldn't imagine."
She then quickly left to find tissues. The next hour was good. Even though she was hormonal and pregnant, she wanted to talk. She asked questions, listened well, and had the perfect responses. I was so amazed at how easy it was to talk to her. And at how willing she was to talk. Most pregnant women don't want to talk about Baby Loss. And yet, here was a mom who had a 9 month old daughter with another baby on the way and she was there for me. My anxiety completely disappeared and I felt so grateful for her. I had considered canceling my appt yet again earlier in the day, but am so happy that I sucked it up and went.
And then the dentist came in to let me know that I need a root canal on one of my front teeth. And I responded with crazy laughter and tears. On my way out I honestly look at the sky and ask out loud, "What more do I need to endure at this point? How much strength do I have to muster up? And why I can't I catch a break?" I know these questions are a little selfish, but seriously, I am tired of it pouring. We've been dealt a crap hand the second half of this year. And it sucks! But as a friend, Danae wrote on facebook..."Give it all to me in 2010 so 2011 can be amazing." I am now going to try and concentrate on the great things that are coming our way next year.
And a huge thank you to Tara. You have made a difference with your kindness.