Here's some bits and pieces of thoughts I've had this week. It all may seem a little random and choppy, but I really wanted to share it all and thought I would just get it done in one post. Tomorrow (the 17th) is the due date for Lucas and Caleb. It is written very big on the calendar that used to hang on our wall. I honestly did not think this week would be a hard one. Or at least anywhere near as hard as what it has been. We were never going to make it to 40 weeks. But the pain this week and all the tears are pretty similar to the week the boys were born and then gone.
I truly hate that we have all had to go through this. I know many of you are fellow BLMs who have lost their baby(ies). And many others are friends and family who have lost beside us. Grandparents that lost two of their grandsons, aunts and uncles who have lost two of their nephews, and friends who have lost the opportunity to meet and enjoy two more of our sons. The journey of being pregnant with twins was supposed to be a good one. There was supposed to be good times with some tough spots. But there wasn't supposed to be death, there wasn't supposed to be tears of udders sadness. I was supposed to bring home two smiling little boys in their car seats, not two white boxes with their ashes.
I have kept myself very busy over the summer, trying to push through all this. Colton and Ethan have really enjoyed doing and experiencing a lot. And every time we would head out to go somewhere for the day or days, I would think back to two days before my water broke. I was talking to Willy (more like crying) about how I hated that Colton and Ethan would probably miss out on many summer activities because there was just no way I would be able to do it all. I then said that I wouldn't change it for the world, but that it just made me sad. There has been alot of personal guilt from that conversation. I know it had nothing to do with this outcome, but it's still there.
I was looking at pictures earlier, trying to get some together for a memorial video. I came across one of the only ones of Willy and I together during the hospital stay. I was holding Caleb right after they had removed his breathing tube. Willy is sitting next to, looking at us with a single finger on my arm. This picture says it all. I know he wanted to take all the pain away. I know he wanted nothing more than for our babies to be healthy. And I know he felt helpless. My husband is such an amazing man. He is so strong and sensitive. He is always there and always knows the right thing to do, even if I don't agree at the time. I love him so much. And I hate that he didn't get to know Lucas and Caleb the same way I did. I hate that so many visions of the future of our four boys running around wild will never come true. And I hate that he has to learn how to live with his new wife. Not the one he went to the hospital with, but the one he left with. The one that is unpredictable at certain times. One who cries more. And one who isn't fully whole and definitely not carefree. I know we have an amazing marriage and that we will survive this. But I am sorry just the same.
I have a project starting up soon for October 15th. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and feel I really need to do something. I will put up more details next week sometime when it is all nailed down. This is helping me some in giving me a little more purpose. Also, I want the world to know how amazing my MOPS family is. They managed to pass around a card last week at the meeting to share their love and prayers with me this week. I received the card yesterday and after crying for 20 minutes or so, I have felt lighter. Thank you, ladies for doing all you have for me and my family.
I touched earlier in the post how I am doing really bad. I honestly cried all the way to a consignment sale yesterday and continued to cry while standing in line. I saw two sets of twin boys being pushed by and heard the announcement of a baby girl behind me. A lady was on the phone just finding out. And the last time I was at this sale was right before we found out the twins were boys. Mon, Tues, and Wed were all like this. I cried in the car, in stores, and of course at home.
But today shows a little more promise and I KNOW the weekend will be a good one.