Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Black Tuesday

So, we coined the term Black Tuesday almost 3 years ago after Ethan was born and I was back on birth control. It is the Tuesday before my period starts and the only day of the month I would PMS. I would always warn Willy on Monday night that Black Tuesday was the next day so he knew it would be kind of rough. And he was great about it all. The day would be filled with the usual moodiness, crankiness, and irrationality.

The Lucas and Caleb were born on a Tuesday. The term Black Tuesday took on a whole new meaning. I would spend entire Tuesdays crying and sulking. I would pretty much check out for the day. And I began to miss the old Black Tuesdays. At about 9 weeks after their birth, they began to get easier, a much welcome event.

Now Black Tuesday has become all encompassing. I am back on birth control because we have to wait a full SIX months before we can try again. And the PMS on Tuesday is back. Only it is multiplied by like 100!!! These are now the days that the pain is the most raw, the loss of my baby boys is the most real, and the tears fall the most freely. I am a complete wreck this morning and it's not even 10:00am. And my poor husband didn't even stand a chance this morning. He was probably so relieved to go to work. I love him so much and he is so understanding. Not that I yelled at him, I was just a little snippy this morning, which is out of character for me.

And to add to all this I feel like I failed Colton this morning. We were sent home a worksheet to fill out about him. It said to be as creative as we wanted. My thought was that he needed to do most of it. I honestly thought that was the idea. So we got some yellow cardstock (his favorite color) and pasted the worksheet on there. Then I let him write his name and color the worksheet. (Which he colored yellow) I cut out a picture of him and the family and he glued them to it. I thought it looked pretty good. Well, we show up to school and my heart sank. The other kids' moms had done theirs for them. They looked awesome. Some were scrapbooked, others were neatly designed on poster boards. Obviously not a 4 year olds work. I could have made Colton's look crazy cool, but I really thought the idea was for him to do most the work. I hope he can concentrate on being proud of the amazing job he did himself. And so here I am wondering what path I want to take this year with his school work. I know in the grand scheme of things, it's really not that big of a deal. But on a day like today, it kind of blow up some.

Well, Playhouse Disney has finally returned from it's summer break. I am going to put on some gym pants and a t-shirt and cuddle up with Ethan to watch "educational" cartoons. And I'm going to "float" for awhile as has been suggested by a close friend of the family.


  1. I am so sorry that Black Tuesday has become something so truly dark. I hope that in time Tuesdays can become easier. I am sending you hugs and loving thoughts today.
    I hope you can be gentle on yourself about Colton's project. I think it is so important that you let him show his own creativity. I am always saddened when parents do their kids' work for them. It takes away an opportunity for the child to work through the situation and make decisions. I think you did very well for your son. :) (((HUGS)))

  2. I like both of the terms in your post, "float" and "Black Tuesday". I may have to use them too.

    I hope that the day got better as it went on. Tuesdays suck.

    I think it is great what you did with Colton's project. I bet the teacher will be glad that someone actually spent the time with their child and did the project, instead of just doing it for him. That's what parents are supposed to do.

    I hope you had a nice cuddle with Ethan this afternoon. I've thought of you often today, as I do everyday,


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