Monday, January 14, 2013

A Gloomy Thursday

I was going to post about our awesome weekend, but picture won't load.  And I really feel I wouldn't be doing this journey any justice if I didn't share about the horrible visit from grief on Thursday.  Writing is helpful, but I couldn't even make it to the computer to write that day. 

My grandma (mom's side) has been sick for awhile.  Colon cancer.  I won't go into details because she is a pretty private person.  But things are looking good anymore. 

My grandma and I are extrememely close.  I talk to her several times a week.  She has been a faith mentor to me growing up.  And she is just an amazing person.  I really can't describe how close we really all, because there are no words to do our relationship justice. 

Having lost two babies of my own, I know the pain of grief.  And I know how much losing her is going to hurt.  I really know.  And combining that knowledge with the winddown of the holiday season, I had a tough day.

It was one of those days when I couldn't think without crying.  The crying that comes with the inability to catch your breath.  Much like the crying the first few days and weeks after saying good bye to my sweet babies.  I would get up and try to think about dinner, and the tears would flow.  The loud cries that turn heads.  I would get frustrated and just give up on that task.  I'd move back to the couch, push play on Netflix, and curl up under my blanket.  I'd resurface when Simon woke up to eat.  Then he would smile at me, I'd think about seeing double the smile, and the tears would fall once again. 

I would then get angry that I was holding my perfect, smiling little boy, and still be crying.  I am incredibly grateful to have Simon. But there are days like Thursday when holding him also brings back the pain of losing his brothers.  There is such a delcate balance there.  I felt guilt for not being able to fully be in the moment with Simon.

When grief sarted closing in, I tried to fight it.  Then I realized that I really just had to Walk Through It.  It is easy to forget at times how to grief in a way that is right for you.  Being 31 months out, I don't have days like this very often.  And yet it always blows me away how fresh the pain is on days like that.  And I hate it.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out and shredded all over again.

I must say, though, that the day wore on.  Around 6 or so I began to feel better.  Walking through, chocolate, and lots of prayer helped me through the day.  I want to share that it is refreshing to know that I no longer feel anger towards God on days like Thursday.  That's a pretty big step. I am not sure when that transition was made, but I love it!

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