Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Let's Be Honest

I have two types of mascara in my make-up drawer.  One is waterproof.  It is for the days I wake up not feeling confident in my feelings and for days when I know there might be a trigger.  The other is supposed to make my lashes look stronger and thicker.  It's not waterproof, but my eyes rock when I wear it.  Every morning when I put on my make-up, I think about what lies ahead for the day.  Will I need the waterproof stuff?  Will I be going somewhere that is likely to possess a trigger that will bring on the tears?  And 9 out of 10 times I am pretty right on with my choice.

Then there are days like today.  I looked at both tubes this morning.  I thought about how I have to drop off some Scentsy orders, make a run to the grocery, and have lunch with a great friend.  Looked like a good day to me.  The BIG mascara it was.  I applied it with confidence, the sun shining brightly through the kitchen window into the bathroom.

On my way out the door, I take a quick peek at facebook to check on a few posts I've been following, knowing it may be awhile before I get back home.  And there it was.
....we'd like to welcome two baby girls....
My heart jumped to my throat.  I have to be honest.  It still hurts sometimes.  I am  happy for every baby born healthy into this world.  I know how so many things have to go perfectly for that to happen.  I am happy for each momma who delivers a healthy set of multiples.  So much more has to go right for those miracles.  But it still stings my heart, because the words to describe Lucas and Caleb's birth was more like
....we are sorry to say that two more babies went to Heaven....
Then, as I feel what I am feeling, I feel guilty for not being able to overcome the rush of grief and just be happy for this momma.  Grief can be stronger than happiness at times.  I know I can be happy for her, and sad for me at the same time. 
I am amazed how quickly the clouds roll in.  I used to run away from them, hoping to not let the rain pour down.  But I've learned in order to dance in this rain, I also have to be able to walk through it. 
So I am going to go wash off my war battle paint (thanks Danielle), and then I will re-apply the BIG mascara, trying to think positive.  Today still has potential to be a good day.  Then I will hug and kiss on my Simon, holding him tightly.

1 comment:

  1. I, too, have both types, but rarely use the waterproof kind anymore. I just cry and clean up the mess left by the regular kind. I hate trying to get the waterproof off. :)


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