There is Still Pain.

I'm writing this in two parts.  Before and After.  A way to see what I expect and reality of what happens.

 

Today I am closing another chapter in grief.  It's been almost three years since I took down Lucas and Caleb's room and packed it away.  I remember everything just being thrown in their room before I came home from the hospital and a black sheet being hung in the doorway as a wall to block me from seeing it.  I remember the first time I peeked in there, and I remember so vividly packing away everything in there.  Each pair of outfits, each pair of pair of shoes, each pair of hats.

 

Today I am giving away to a close friend the items I didn't put in their keep tote.  The big items that we bought and have stored for three years and the matching outfits for them.  I have had the intention for the past three years to sell them one day, then to donate them.  But I never went all the way through it. 

 

But it is time to let go, and I know these items are meant for this new growing family.  I have known for years (wow crazy) that one day someone close to me would be expecting twin baby boys.  Deep, deep down in my heart, the feeling was there.  The time is here, and I am as ready as I can ever be.

 

To be honest this hurts.  It's not a pain I can label, but the tears are falling.  This is a huge step that I've known I would one day have to make.  I feel it is a necessary step in order to continue moving forward on this journey.  I know the items bought for Lucas and Caleb were bought out of love for those two little boys, and that the two little boys that will use them will be loved just as much. 

 

I am nervous about conversation with C and L (just realized the initials of the couple everything is going to).  I have no idea how I will feel, but I am sure they will be gracious.  They know my heart is tender right now and that this is hard for me….harder than I anticipated.  But I will let things flow as they will, and let it all be.

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I've done it! And I feel good.  It wasn't too awkward and there were no tears during the visit.  I am glad it's over, and glad the things that were theirs will now be used instead of collecting dust. 

 

Conversation wasn't forced, and was kept pretty light.  We talked about being pregnant in the summer and how much hotter it is.  L was really excited when we were looking through some of the outfits and they both expressed how grateful they are to be given this stuff. 

 

I feel lighter now.  And I feel happy in a way.  It's hard to explain, but I really do.  I am glad I walked through this, and didn’t run away as I was tempted to.  I am glad I let myself feel what I needed to, and am now able to smile.  And I know that I have healed a little more.

 

Simon Months 6-9

I'm not so bad at getting Simon's monthly pictures taken, but I just can't get them all on here for updates.  Our summer has been incredibly busy around here.  There have been very few days when we have been home all day.  I can probably count them on one hand.  So, finally, here are months 6-9.  All three boys are down napping, and I am determined to get this done.

 



 

Simon has grown so much this summer!  He has gone from rolling over once in a while to a full out crawl, almost bear crawl.  When he gets off the blanket outside, he gets off those knees really quick.  He hates the grass.  When you sit him in it, he picks up both legs and attempts to balance on just his bum.  So cute! 

 

Simon has just recently moved to two nursing sessions a day.  When he wakes up in the morning and before bed at night.  I am still missing the afternoon feeding, but he was ready, and it was becoming a battle most days to keep him still. He has four teeth in now, with two more on the way.  He eats with us for all three meals during the day and often eats what we are eating.  He prefers to feed himself, and is recently wanting to have his own plate with food on it.

 

Simon is loud.  I know in his mind he feels he has to be heard over the big boys, but wow!!  He also thinks screeching is whistling.  Willy will whistle at him, and Simon will screech back.  Geez, that boy has a set of lungs.  He is also beginning to fully let us know when he wants something.  I'm getting out the baby sign language stuff today.  Hopefully it helps.

 

He is also incredibly stubborn.  He loves to explore and has a hard time knowing that we mean business when we tell him no.  It often takes 5 or 6 times telling him no, a couple hand slaps, and moving him away before he'll move on to something else.  The big boys learned pretty quick.  And I know Simon gets it, he just thinks he can stick it out longer than Willy and I.  Poor kiddo has no idea.

 

He plays well by himself at times, and others he can't be alone.  Now that his nursery has been moved and is closed in, I can leave him in there to play while I switch over laundry and such.  Most of the time he is happy in there, but sometimes he stands at the gate and cries til I come back for him.  With two more teeth coming in,  he's spending more time in my lap and arms than usual.  But I really enjoy the time with him.  I know it won't be much longer until he is always up and on the go.

 

Colton and Ethan play with him quite a bit.  He loves them so much!!  And he loves their toys.  We've created different barriers with the baby cage gates so they can play without him tearing up their stuff.  They've recently nicknamed him "Babyzilla."  It's pretty accurate.  His favorite game is to knock over a stack of blocks.  He will crawl across the room to knock them down and crack up laughing afterwards.

 

He are the pictures from the last four sets.  It's neat to see how much he has changed.

 

 



 Loving on his owl.  He really interacted with it this month (6)

 
 
 

 The smile we see most often.  He lights up a room with it.  And notice the wet line down the sticker?  Most of them are like that now.

 

 I think he really looks like Willy here.

 

 

SIX month collage

 

 You're back!

 

What a grin!

 

 

 Two boys and Willy were standing behind me trying to get him to laugh.

 
 

SEVEN month collage

 

Check out the pearly whites.  This is his goober grin.

 

 

He thought he would take a dive off the chair.  Didn't happen.

 

EIGHT month collage.  I really love this one.

 

He just wasn't having the pictures this month.  But boy he has sure changed since last month.

 

 

Finally a smile here.  Almost.  He just looks so big!

 

And here is the NINE month collage.  I can't believe there are only three more left.

 

 

 

Earls Birthday Bash 2013

Willy and I decided back in February or so that we wanted to try and combine the boys' birthday parties.  We normally go all out for awesome parties and they are always a ton of fun.  But they are also a lot of work.  And we have three kiddos now.  We thought we'd bbq at the park down the street and rent out the pool there for our party.  The pool would be ours and our guests after closing hours for nearly two hours.

 

We would then celebrate the boys' actual birthday with them as a small family affair with our gift(s) to them, a special dinner, and a cake.  Then they could invite two friends over that weekend for a sleepover.

 

We ran it past the boys and they loved the idea!  We quickly spread the word, and set a date.  We know summers are busy for vacations, and we wanted to make sure everyone would be able to make it.  The boys were pumped, and it seemed as though our friends all were also.  The party took very little planning, and the cost was less than three separate parties.  (Simon will still have an individual First Birthday Party).

 

So, here are some pictures from the birthday bash.

 

 

 Willy sporting his new apron from the boys.

 

 The little girl in the yellow dress is Ethan's favorite girl, Catie.  They were even holding hands on the way to the pool.

 

 Morgan, Michael, Catie, and Ethan

 

 Gary actually getting a smile out of Simon.  Normally he cries.

 

 Banning having a blast!

 

 Simon's first at bat at the piñata.

 

 Colton is always so serious when swinging.

 

 Going for the goodies!

 

 Kristan with Raegan, Marshall, Thomas, and James

 

 Simon enjoying the pool with Grandpa Mike

 

 Willy going for a big splash!

 

 Morgan loved these geysers!

 

 Riley and Colton

 

 Sydney enjoying the pool with her daddy.

 

 The boy has a million dollar smile!

 

 I'm guessing here, but I think this is Eli, James, and Thomas.

 

This was definitely the best party yet!  I am so glad we did it this way.  This will definitely be an every year thing for our family.    We are so grateful for all the family and friends that came out to celebrate with us.  You all mean so very much to us, and we love all so very much!  Thank you! Thank you!

Fun Summer Days

Wow!  Summer is sure going by fast!  I feel like we are busier now than we were when the boys were in school.  We're having a great time!  Simon really enjoys having the boys around, and I fear what them being back in school brings for him and I.  Here are some pictures from June.  I have more, and hope to find some time to get more posts up. 

 

We did a Kid's Fishing Day at Bass Pro ponds on Lucas and Caleb's birthday.  We do this year every and the boys always have a great time.  It was rainy and chilly this year, but we still had fun.

 

 Watching the boys fish

 

 Colton's first cast.

 

 Ethan watching Willy take off his first catch.

 Colton's first catch.

 

We've managed to get tons of park time in.  Simon loves being outdoors.  He no longer will sit still on the blanket though, so I am sure our afternoons just lazying around at the park will soon be put on hold.

 Love him!

 Colton attempting to give me a heart attack/

 Love this picture.

 

 Ethan going for it also.

 

We've been to White Water twice.  The boys have such a blast there and Simon loves being in the water splashing around.



 Ethan still managed to enjoy the smaller slides.

 

We've also been to Stockton Lake to spend the day while Grandma and Grandpa were camping.  It was a fun day of fishing, swimming, and boating.  And eating.  There are always plenty of snacks.  The day wasn't miserably hot, but it could have been cooler.





 Simon chilling in his boat.

 

 Willy heading in to untangle a large fish for the boys to see.  Too bad it got away.

 

 Simon's first boat ride.

 

 Simon wanting in the water sooo bad.

 Two juvenile bald eagles just outside their nest.

 

The boys enjoying the boat ride.

 

Well, I can't believe summer is already half over.  It makes me sad to think about it.  I've thoroughly enjoyed having my boys home, though I know when August arrives I'll be ready for them to head back to school.  But the thought right now is tough.  Ethan is going into Kindergarten and Colton is a second grader.  When did they get so big?