Monday, June 28, 2010

Good Days, Hard Moments

I remember almost 4 weeks ago I couldn't imagine ever being happy again. I remember not knowing how happiness could ever shine through the pain that I was feeling. Or how I would ever be able to not cry when seeing a baby or babies. How I would ever be able to see a pregnant mommy and not lose my mind. How I would never be able to think about anything but my lost twins.

I remember Willy and I used to talk about how great things were really going for us. We used to agree that good things happen to good people. How blessed we were to have two beautiful boys with two more on the way. How he had a good job and we were able to have family time in the evenings and on weekends. We might not have the biggest house or the best car(s), or much money in savings, but we had what really mattered to us.

A week after losing Caleb and Lucas I remembered how we used to talk about how great things were and how it just wasn't that way anymore. I just cried and cried that day. I wanted to go back and feel that way again. I wanted to feel grateful for my life and not hurt anymore. I knew I needed to truly appreciate having Colton and Ethan, but when feeling that intense emotional pain, it is so hard to feel grateful for anything. I would tell myself over and over again I needed to enjoy Colton and Ethan and not take them for granted.

Two days ago, the four of us were in the van on the way to a birthday party. We were sitting at Sonic talking about how hard it must be for a friend whose husband is working tons of overtime right now. And the thought just popped into my head, "We are so blessed." And then I started to cry. What a bittersweet thought. I was happy to be able to feel that way, but I almost felt like I had "forgotten" what we had just been through.

It seemed too soon to be feeling that way. I felt like maybe I wasn't giving Caleb and Lucas the attention I should be. They cross my mind several times an hour, but they are no longer all I think about. And then it hit me, it's already almost been a month since they were born. What happened???

When I came home that evening I was reading an article on the Glow in the Woods site and it mentioned how we as babyloss parents eventually "integrate" our lost children and the horrible experience into our lives. We never forget them or move on, we just find ways to have them with us without having to always think about them. I think maybe this is where I am heading. Once again, it's bittersweet.

I have had almost a week of what I consider good days. These good days have hard moments when the tears come, my shoulders shake, and I hate it all. But when those moments pass, I am able to see what wonderful family and friends I have all around me. But I know as each good day passes, that I have a hard day coming up. A day full of tears. A day when the tears fall freely. And as they fall I remember all we have lost and how it all really sucks a lot. And what helps to get me through these days is knowing that tomorrow is another day, and there's a good chance it'll be an easier one.

Today is a hard day. At almost 11:00am I have cried more tears than I had all weekend. Many of those tears are just the ones falling, others are angry tears, and some are the sad tears. And it's the intense sadness that is talked about. The sadness you really can't explain. It's one of those days when I'll have to hold Lucas and Caleb's monkeys and cry myself to sleep during Colton and Ethan's naptime. One of those days when one random thought leads me down a very hard road for awhile. One of those days when I would really like to go back in time even though I know it wouldn't change anything or bring Caleb and Lucas back to me. It's one of those days.

So here's to respecting the hard days for what they are...a reminder to really appreciate the good days. And here's to the good days for coming more and more often.

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