Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lucas and Caleb's TTTS story Part 3

Again I sent Willy hone to get some sleep. I had an amazing friend, Kristan with me for the night and we would all attempt at some sleep. And my mom would be there around 1:30am or so. We just had to get to the morning for another ultrasound and hopefully find that there was more fluid around Caleb.

At around 1:30am, my nurse came in to check on Caleb. His heart rate seemed to be dropping to the 120's and they were concerned. Oh no!! Another nightmare!! I laid there while they did the ultrasound and found that he was stuck. This meant he was being shrink wrapped by his own sac. They decided it was time for an emergency c-section as my mom and sister were walking in the door. I couldn't get a hold of Willy. He needed to be there. I was having surgery now and I was terrified. I started crying hysterically as my mom removed my jewelry, they cut off my VS bra, and prepped me for surgery. And the only question I could come up with was if they were going to put me out for this. I knew what was happening, and they were letting me know the risk's....as if I had a choice at this point. We were losing Caleb.

It was just like what you see in the movies. Ceiling lights and tiles flashing by, doors swinging open, a room full of people in blue, and tons of metal and lights. People introduced themselves to me and told me their jobs. My nurse was on one side and the anesthesiologist on the other. I felt them prepping me some more and I worried about whether or not Willy was going to be at the hospital soon. I didn't get to tell him I loved him. I signed a paper that said "Risk of Death", said a quick prayer, counted to four and woke up in recovery.

Willy made it to the hospital while I was in surgery. Even if he had been there earlier, he would not have been able to be with me since they put me out. They seemed to be confused on where to send him, but he was in recovery when I woke up.

I remember waking up in crazy pain and asking about Caleb. All they would tell me is that he was in critical condition and in the NICU. No details. But that the neonatologist would talk to me later and Willy would be able to see him in a few hours.

On Tuesday, June 1st, Lucas was born at 1:54am, stillborn. He was 11.5 inches and 1lb 14oz. Caleb was born at 1:55am. He was 12 inches and 1lb 1oz. What an incredible change within a little over 48 hours. He had been "stuck" as previously seen. His left leg had been without blood flow for a couple of hours and his kidneys had not been working due to the TTTS.

They asked me if I wanted Lucas in my room. I said yes without even thinking about it. I got to hold him and even dozed some with my angel in my arms. I cried so many tears for my lost son and worried about Caleb. Lucas was perfect. He was such a tiny baby. And I still couldn't believe we had lost him.

Willy was able to see Caleb later Tuesday morning. He told me how things looked rough. his blood pressure was very low and he was extremely anemic. His left leg didn't look good at all. The skin had stared to die some. Also, his kidneys were not working. By afternoon I was able to sit in a wheelchair and see him myself. But I couldn't touch him. He was so perfect and precious and I just talked to him. I told him I much I loved him and that we were all pulling for him. i knew he was strong and that it would be a fight.

At around 10:00pm that evening, the neonatologist came in to speak to us. I knew when I saw him what he was going to say. Caleb was losing his fight. There had been a brain bleed, his liver had also shut down, and he wasn't moving when even preemies move around. They also said that even if he miraculously pulled through this, there would be sever handicaps and he would lose his entire left leg. He said there really was no hope left and that it was time to make a decision. I looked at Willy, he nodded. And then we made the hardest decision a parent ever has to make.

We called his mom and our pastor to join us. My parents and sister were already there. We wanted to be together as a family through this. We asked to have them bring Caleb to my room so that I could hold him after they removed the ventilator. I wanted him at peace in my arms.

At 12:30am on June 2nd, they brought Caleb in to us and removed his ventilator. They placed him in my arms. I kissed him, told him I loved him, and just held him. Every 15 minutes they checked his heart rate. They would quietly look at me and whisper that it was in the 40's. At one point, I asked Willy to bring Lucas to me so I could hold them both. I had dreamed so many times of holding my twin boys together. Only not in this way.

At 2:36am Caleb's heart quit beating. He fought for 2 long hours. He was such a strong little boy and I feel so blessed to have had him for 25 hours. And to have had those 2 hours to hold him and talk to him. I remember dozing off a couple of time with boy my babies in my arms.

The nurses took pictures of both my boys. They made a memory box with their blankets, hats, and plaster footprints. They printed off some of the pictures and gave us a cd. I look through their boxes every day. We chose to have the boys cremated so they could be at home with us. I wear a heartshaped cremation locket with two sets of footprints around my neck with some of their ashes in it.

This is Caleb and Lucas' story. We miss them so much. Every day is painful, though a few have been easier. We feel robbed and cheated. Sometimes it's like a nightmare that I will wake up from and still be pregnant with my little angels. I also feel angry. I know it will never be easy and the hurt will never go away. I just pray for days when it's not so hard. I feel so blessed to have Colton and Ethan. They keep me busy and warm my heart. They are also handling this so well. What strong boys I have been blessed with.

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