Over the past couple of weeks I have been battling with the phrase, "This happened for a reason." and all the variations of it. I understand that most people don't know what to say, but this phrase has bothered me quite a bit. Don't they understand I am already searching for a reason? I don't need to be reminded to keep searching. I am grateful for the good intentions of these friends and family, but I don't feel better or more at peace after hearing such phrase.
I have been doing some soul searching, some blog reading, and some independent study. I have come to the conclusion that I didn't lose my babies due to some divine reason. I understand that I am not supposed to ask why. And it's not because God is cruel and wants me to wander. I believe He isn't the reason why I lost my babies. There was a medical problem with their placenta. Twin to Twin just happens. It sucks and it happens. We were one of the unlucky 20% who were affected. My babies were in the 70% who lose their lives because of it. And I don't blame God.
I know I prayed every night from the day I found out they shared a placenta at 10 weeks for them to be healthy babies. Sometimes I prayed several times a day. I knew that there were risks and I prayed that my babies would not be part of the statistics. When I was in the hospital, I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. I prayed with all my heart, and I know so many others joined me in prayer. But it happened, I lost my babies. But I don't blame God
I have asked WHY so many times. I have screamed and cried WHY. I have looked back and wondered what I, as a person, have done wrong to deserve this. What had I done to lose my babies? And then I realize bad things really do happen to good people. God doesn't plan for bad things to happen. God didn't make it to where my two babies would share the same placenta and be connected "X" amount of times where TTTS would result. I honestly believe He's not like that. I don't blame God.
I honestly believe He knew this was going to happen to me, my family, and my babies. I believe He presented me with opportunities so that I would have the support and strength to survive this nightmare. I honestly believe that losing Caleb and Lucas was due to medical reasons. I also believe that I would not be pushing through this if He hadn't given me the strength and put the right people in my life. I believe He did what He could to make this "easier" on me. I trust God
I am not going to lie. My faith has been rocked, tested, and crumbled through the loss of Caleb and Lucas. I have wondered to myself at times that one big question. But He continues to show me every day that He is there and loves me, whether I see it or not. He cares for me and is patiently waiting for me to see how amazing He is. Today I finally was able to see it again. I am sure there will still be times when I go backwards a bit, but I know He's always there. He hurts with me and for me. And He is there to help me when I just don't feel I have the strength to face one more look or question. I trust God.
So for those moms and dads who have unfortunately become members of the Dead Baby's Club, I am ever so sorry. I hope my thoughts help some. For those who know someone who has lost a child, please don't try and console them with, "This happened for a reason." or "It's all part of God's plan." I believe those phrases to be wrong, and it honestly does not help a grieving mother or father. I tell you from experience, it kind of makes us more sad and angry. I believe the "reason" my babies died is purely medical. And I trust God.