Grief Limbo

My Grandma died yesterday.

 

There it is.  In writing.  Final.

 

And my emotions are so all over the place I am just plain worn out.

 

A lot of me misses her and is so incredibly sad.  My heart is broken.  And I just can't find any words to describe the depth of my grief.  It's not the debilitating level of grief of losing Lucas and Caleb, but at times it's hovering near.

 

Then there is the joy.  I know, not the word many would expect.  But her last couple of weeks here, especially the last couple of days, were really tough.  She was in a lot of pain.  And she was done.  She didn't want to be here any longer. And she couldn't understand why the Lord hadn't taken her yet.  I know she has been reunited with my grandpa and her daughter.  And that is what she was ready for.  She found comfort in knowing she would be with them soon, and in that I can feel comfort also.

 

But how do I balance the two emotions.  They are on opposite sides of the pendulum. This is one of the tougher parts of grief.  I feel both, in waves.  And there is the crazy feeling of guilt as I feel each emotion.  It's a wreck, I'm a wreck.

 

 

 Grandma with us when Simon was born. 

 

Grandma and Grandpa. They always coordinated their outfits.