Taking a Grief Day

My grandma's not doing well.  She's been battling colon cancer for three years now, and her body is beginning to lose the fight.  The past week I've listened to her get weaker and weaker on the phone, so yesterday I packed up Simon, and we took off to visit her for the day.  I am so incredibly grateful I was able to spend the time with her, but it really hurts to know our time together here is beginning to close.  Leaving her last night, by herself, on the couch, watching tv, was one of the hardest things I've had to do in the past three and a half years.  We have a relationship with each other that no words can describe.  And I know it's going to hurt something fierce when her day comes.

So today I am taking a grief day.  The knowledge of future grief mixes with Lucas and Caleb grief and it's just a big stormy mess in my head.  Grief is grief.  And once again I've learned you can't walk around it.  I find it amusing that I tried to convince myself I was better equipped to handle loss since losing Lucas and Caleb.  Guess it's the self preservation mechanism kicking in.  I was wrong, though.  This is going to be hard, and I'm going to be a hot mess.

I feel completely unmotivated today.  The fact that I have to walk to pick up the older boys from school today is most likely the only reason I'll change out of pajama pants and a t-shirt.  Dinner is in the crock pot and I am looking forward to Simon's nap time so I can sleep also.  I know I'll walk through today and will likely wake up refreshed tomorrow.  These days are tough ones.  But I know I have to move through them.  I  have to embrace the power of grief and let it sit for short time so that I can have a better day tomorrow.

A few other things of note that has helped to build up to today:

*October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Lucas and Caleb are closer as I think about them and all the women who have lost their babies.

*Sunday at Silver Dollar City there was a craftswoman who had a booth next to the toy store.  She makes urns.  She had an urn labeled, "Infant and Pet Urn."  First, who, who has lost a baby isn't going to feel the pangs of grief when reading those words in middle of what's supposed to be a fun day?  Secondly, how can someone categorize infant and pet together?  And third, the urn was TOO big!  And I hate, hate, hate that I know that it's too big.

*Simon is changing so fast. I've watched him with a few other babies toddlers that are really close to his age, and seeing them interact and learn together pokes the heart a little bit.  By itself, it's manageable and mostly a fleeting thought.  Add it to all this and well, crud.

I did talk with my grandma this morning.  She was thinking about eating something small for breakfast.  It's a change, and I hope she does.  I'm going to spend the day with some extra snuggles with my Simon, and will probably call her later.