So today I am taking a grief day. The knowledge of future grief mixes with Lucas and Caleb grief and it's just a big stormy mess in my head. Grief is grief. And once again I've learned you can't walk around it. I find it amusing that I tried to convince myself I was better equipped to handle loss since losing Lucas and Caleb. Guess it's the self preservation mechanism kicking in. I was wrong, though. This is going to be hard, and I'm going to be a hot mess.
I feel completely unmotivated today. The fact that I have to walk to pick up the older boys from school today is most likely the only reason I'll change out of pajama pants and a t-shirt. Dinner is in the crock pot and I am looking forward to Simon's nap time so I can sleep also. I know I'll walk through today and will likely wake up refreshed tomorrow. These days are tough ones. But I know I have to move through them. I have to embrace the power of grief and let it sit for short time so that I can have a better day tomorrow.
A few other things of note that has helped to build up to today:
*October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Lucas and Caleb are closer as I think about them and all the women who have lost their babies.
*Sunday at Silver Dollar City there was a craftswoman who had a booth next to the toy store. She makes urns. She had an urn labeled, "Infant and Pet Urn." First, who, who has lost a baby isn't going to feel the pangs of grief when reading those words in middle of what's supposed to be a fun day? Secondly, how can someone categorize infant and pet together? And third, the urn was TOO big! And I hate, hate, hate that I know that it's too big.
*Simon is changing so fast. I've watched him with a few other
I did talk with my grandma this morning. She was thinking about eating something small for breakfast. It's a change, and I hope she does. I'm going to spend the day with some extra snuggles with my Simon, and will probably call her later.