Friday, September 16, 2011

Still Here...

I can't believe it's been over a week since I've written last.  And as much as I want to share about Colton's first football game, I don't really have a ton of time to load pictures, so I'll make more time for it this weekend.

This past week (or few weeks) have been emotional.  I have cried on a daily basis.  I am insanely trigger sensitive, much like I was the first couple of months.  And I have to say that it sucks as much now as it did the first time around. 

We are so so busy right now, and I still haven't figured it all out.  I had no idea this is how busy we would be.   A lot of the emotions come down to the fact that I have 12 hours a week when I have no children with me.  AND I SHOULDN'T!  Plain and simple fact.  I should have two more little boys following me around, wanting my attention.  I am in no way ready for this stage of life, and I am holding on so very tight.  I am scared if I willingly move forward, that it will be increasingly hard to go back.

I know that all hope is not lost.  I am sure that knowledge is what is keeping me from going over the edge.  I just feel sad, though. 

My sister's baby shower was last weekend.  I headed up the planning for it...crazy, I know.  There were moments that were really hard, and others when I was too busy to really think about it much.  Then there is the mom today who was sharing the fun of having two sets of twin boys.  Yeah, she wasn't escaping that one.  She soon asked about my children and I softly told her we had twin boys and lost them.  She quickly told me she was sorry and then that awkward silence filled the room.  I actually apologized for blurting it out, but at the same time I felt tormented the way she was talking about something I had so close and then lost.

Colton and Ethan seem to be growing up so fast right now.  The days seem really short and I can't believe we've finished the fourth week of school.  I just want to hold on and never let go of them. 

So, to sum the past week or so up, it has been a little gloomy here and there.  It's kind of weird how it comes and goes, not to mention frustrating.  But that is how grief is, always changing, yet always the same. 
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1 comment:

  1. Oh Carrie, I'm so sorry these past few weeks have been so hard. It makes sense that you are extra sensitive to the time that you have alone. It is so unfair. You should be so busy with big boy activities AND infant activities. My heart is with you. Remembering Caleb and Lucas and all that should have been! xoxo


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