Thursday, September 1, 2011

15 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Wow, 15 months since you've entered and left this world.  The number seems big to me.  Like a turning point or something is here or on it's way.  I don't have any idea why, just this feeling.

August was a good month, a busy one.  I turned 30, and celebrated in style with our closest friends who are really more family than friends.  I received my birthday card from the two of you. I have to say, you chose the right person to deliver it, thank you.  Colton started kindergarten.  The emotions around that event were alot like grief, which surprised me some.  And Ethan started preschool.  A much harder day(s) for me.  It still makes me tear up thinking that he is in preschool.  I feel the hole that was left when you died much more when I drop him off.  My house is emptier than it should be, and I am seriously not ready to leave this season of having children at  home yet. 

Today has been harder than the past couple of anniversaries, harder than some before your birthday, even.  I had some flashbacks early this morning.  I was up for over an hour trying to fight them off.  Then I was pulled over (for the very first time EVER) on the way to see Jamie for gunning it on a yellow light.  Only a warning, but I had Ethan in the back afraid I was going to jail.  Colton is even having a tough day today.  He decided the school lunch wasn't going to be good afterall, and just cried and cried.  His teacher (who is a total ROCKSTAR) called me and asked if I could bring a lunch in for him.  Then she let me talk to him.  He was still crying and all I could do was tell him I would get a lunch to him soon and that I loved him so very much.  A few minutes later I had to drop Ethan off, and that is as hard today as it was Tuesday. 

The tears have really flowed pretty freely today.  I know that the fact that I am tired and wiped out doesn't make things any easier.  I really just feel plain sad.   I miss you baby boys, very much so.  And once again I must say, "This just plain sucks.  There is no way around it."

Love you,
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1 comment:

  1. It sucks so much, and I am so so sorry. I was thinking about Caleb and Lucas yesterday. They should be keeping your days even busier and making the school drop offs just a little easier. I wish things were different for all of us. Remembering our sons always <3


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