Random Thoughts on a Monday

Wow!  We've really been busy.  Really, really busy.  And now that I'm home for a day, without Colton and Ethan, I am having time to process some things.  First I miss my boys this moment, all four of them.  I miss Colton's random hugs through the day and Ethan's priceless smile with the eye squint.  Those two boys really make my world go round.  And I miss Lucas and Caleb today.  I miss that they probably would have been with us when Willy and I had lunch, or that we wouldn't have gone out to lunch.  I am pretty sure it was to be a rare occasion that Grandma took all four boys at the same time, let alone for two nights.  So, honestly, I probably wouldn't be alone right now had Lucas and Caleb lived. 

I'm in a weird place right now.  Maybe I jumped back into live too quickly after their birthday.  Maybe I'm not giving myself enough down time and just avoiding the hole that is still there.  Maybe the desire to have our rainbow is just so strong right now that it is magnify-ing grief.  Who knows.  There are really no answers, just speculations.

Other than all that, I am feeling pretty great most the time.  I feel so full of life most of the time.  I am ready to go and fully enjoying every single moment I have with Colton and Ethan.  In less than 9 weeks, Colton will be starting kindergarten.  In 9 weeks, Ethan will be starting pre-school.  My time with them will be less.  Every moment is that much more special.

So, I keep going back to the downer side.  I guess it's really just where I am at this moment.  I haven't been in the space much to write this month.  I have been keeping up with everyone else, and another wave of pregnancy announcements.  (Also a possible pregnancy in jeopardy, please keep T in your thoughts and prayers). 

What are the Odds?

Funny title, right?  I know lots of odds.  Being where I am, going through what we've gone through, odds aren't always our friend.  Today started out that way.

I am doing a scrapbooking bible study for the next seven weeks with Kristan.  YAY, what fun!  For the past couple of days I have been thinking about how I would introduce myself.  It is all women, we all have children, but how would I explain my children.  I've really come to the "need to know" basis when it comes to Lucas and Caleb.  I don't want the first thing out of my mouth to be "dead babies", and I don't want to be , "That girl over there..."  So I had decided I would introduce them to these women in a few weeks when it came up in our bible study conversation.  (They always come up when it comes to my faith.)

Well, the plan changed, BIG TIME!!  We were sitting around waiting for one more mom to show up.  Our cooridinator explained that this mom was running late, and that her plate was really full.  Her husband works out of town, she has two under three, and is expecting twins.  Brick Wall!!  Kristan quickly looked at me and asked if I would be okay.  I took a deep breath, said I could handle it, or we would see.  Well, my never missed friend, anxiety, hit as it was my turn to introduce myself.  I started crying as soon as it was my turn.  I couldn't say anything except I'm sorry.  Kristan took over for me.  I have to say, friends like her are incredibly rare.  She always knows where I am and how to help.  She starts with, "Carrie is a mom of four."  Those words mean so very much to me.  By the time she finished my introduction, a few others were crying and there was a hug and my waterproof mascera once again proved itself.

Well, the mom walked in, looking tiny.  I figured her to be 6-10 weeks.  As she is introducing herself, I find out she's having twin boys.  Really?  Lord, what's your plan here?  Pretty sure it's not the same as mine.  There are EIGHT women in this study.  Three are pregnant and one with twin boys.  Hmmmm.....

As we sat afterwards, visiting, I couldn't help but overhear parts of her conversation with another expecting mom.  They were discussing how different her twin pregnancy is from her previous single pregnancies.  She also talked about all the ultrasouds, and how she really didn't understand the reason for them.  It took quite a bit of strength to not say anything to her.  (By the way she is probably closer to 18-22 weeks)  I know that I wasn't completely educated, but I did TONS of research on twin pregnancies.  Anyway, I quickly moved my attention to the conversation about c-sections.

On the way home, I let go of it all.  I had a good,  hard cry.  Lots of questions about why now, when things are going so well.   Lots of why me, because that is usually one of the first questions I ask when things hit hard.  And then the song,  "All Who are Thirsty" came on the radio, and the crying stopped. I must say Thank you.

So, I get home, rotate laundry, and receive a call from a friend who normally is at work on Mondays.  She took the day off since her husband was sick.  She wanted to meet us at the park for a picnic with our kiddos.  Fabulous idea!  She gets me, also.  We have an unspoken bond (seriously unspoken), and she is also wonderful.  We met, our kids played, and we decided to walk around the lake some.  We came to the bridge over the creek and look who greeted me.

They are always here when I need them the most.

To Daddy on Father's Day

This is a day early, but since we are spending tomorrow at White Water, I thought I would share this today.  Last year for Father's Day Willy spent most the day in bed and I spent alot of that time hating the world for taking my boys.  Not only for the hurt I was feeling, but the hurt Willy was feeling.  I still have some anger about him having to go through this also.  It still breaks my heart, especially as tomorrow approaches.  I found this poem last year and it sparked a change in me.  It was Father's Day last year when I discovered the Babyloss community.  And I can never fully express my gratitude to the community.


To Daddy on Father's Day


Don't cry for me Daddy
We are right here
Although you can't see us
We see your tears


We visit you often
Go to work with you each day
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillow where we lay


We hold your hand and stroke your hair
And whisper in your ear
If you're sad today Daddy
Remember we are here


We are Daddy's little angel's
We will never be apart
For every time you think of us
Please know we're in your heart.


We love you Daddy!


Your baby angels


(author unknown)

Where I Am: 54 weeks and 2 days

This is part of the Right Where I Am project.  This is such a fabulous idea.  I encourage yo uto check this out if you have lost to see the wide range of the grief journey.

So, sitting here, just over  year out from Lucas and Caleb's birth and deaths, I must say I like where I am at.  Serioulsy, given this horrible, tragic part of our lives, I feel pretty good.  I know some of you must be thinking I must be crazy, or heartless, or just plain numb.  But I feel better than I ever thought I would.

I am a completely different person than I was a year ago, two years ago, even 10 years ago.  So different, in fact, that I sometimes don't recognize myself.  I am open, chipper, full of life and spirit.  Most who meet me now would never guess that I have two babies in Heaven, let alone experienced all this such a short time ago.  I have, though, and they have forever changed me. 

The outside changes have been occurring the past five months or so.  Since their birthday, though, I have noticed another big change.  I am one person now.  I have learned how to integrate Lucas and Caleb into my family and my self.  Before, there was the me with them.  I would be lost in my thoughts about them.  I couldn't think about them and be a participating member of my family at the same time.  Just didn't work.

Now they are honestly a part of everything we do.  They can cross my mind, and I don't have to check out.  I feel they have found their spot in our lives, in my heart, where they can rest easy and peacefully, knowing that is where they will always be.  It's really kind of weird to explain, really.  I guess until reaching this point, it's probably hard to understand, as well.  And I am quite certain that having Colton and Ethan has played a big role in getting to this point.

Another piece of this puzzle was definitely how we celebrated their birthday.  We did things for them that we do for Colton and Ethan, and even Willy and I.  A big part of this was the mantle shelf.  For every birthday, we part the birthday cards on the mantle shelf for a few weeks to display.  The boys always like to look at their birthday cards and it showcases that family member.  Well, Lucas and Caleb also received cards, along with the family.  Without even thinking about it, that is where we put them, on either side of their candle holder.  Amazing, really.


I am sure I kind of strayed from topic some, I just wanted to share the points to the how I got to this place.  In general, I am feeling the best I have in the 54 weeks since we said hello and good-bye.  I feel better than I could have ever imagined, especially those first days and weeks.  I haven't gotten here alone, but with the help of so many.  And I am so grateful for each and every person who has been apart of our journey.

Don't get me wrong.  I still have sad moments where I can't believe this is our reality.  But those moments are precious and more peaceful.  I miss them terribly every single day.  I hate that we have been through this, and that we have two sons we don't get to raise here on Earth.  But I am able to embrace those hard moments for what they are and who they are about.  And it's a good place to be.

New Pictures Up

I've put some of the new pictures up with captions on the page with Lucas and Caleb's other photos above.  I am so very grateful to my dad for thinking about taking these photos.  He told me he didn't know if I would ever want them, but wanted them just in case.  I just came across them on his phone last week.  He thought I knew they were there, but I didn't or I was told during the grief fog.  Either way, he had them, now I have them, now you can see them.

It's Been Awhile

I know, I know.....it's been like two weeks since I've written here. Lucas and Caleb's birthday actually. I tried writing one day last week, but it just wouldn't post.
My plan was to post the pictures from their birthday as the very next post. Well, we are having some technical difficulties with that, so they will come, I promise. Their birthday was everything I wanted it to be and more. We have some absolutely amazing people in our lives, and are so very grateful!! THANK YOU!!!!
The boys and I were gone last week to Ohio to visit my grandma and a close friend. It was a good trip, yet tiring. We are still catching up and getting into the swing of things. I will also post pics from the trip, there are so many!!!!!
We are really doing great around here! I feel like a hundred pounds have been lifted off my shoulders and that I can fully breathe again. I have been able to integrate Lucas and Caleb into our family's life in a different, more comfortable way. That is another post to be written soon. Just know that things are different for each of us in the family now that a year has passed.
Well, I hope to get things worked out soon with pictures. I have access to the trip pictures, just not their birthday pictures. I also have found some pictures my dad took of Lucas and Caleb that I had NO IDEA existed. He thought I had them. The feeling I felt when I came across them last week is indescribable. Pictures I wish I had had, but didn't, and now do. I will add them to the tab up top sometime this week. Be looking for them.

Happy 1st Birthday, Lucas and Caleb

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Well, boys, today is your First Birthday. I am sure you are surrounded in Heaven by your friends and lots of birthday cake. (Happy Birthday to your friend, Jacob, also) We miss you down here, and I hate that we're not getting you ready for your birthday party.

We have a lot of things planned in your memory today. I am excited to share pictures. That's right, I wrote excited. You see, the past week has been really hard building up to this day. But we have so many wonderful ways to celebrate your short little lives, that I feel some peace. I know that there will be tears today (they're trying to come out now), but there will also be some good memories made.

I can't believe it has been a year. I remember not being able to think past a day or two, let alone a month. But I've survived a year with you in Heaven, a year on this grief journey. The two of you have changed me in ways I can't even begin to explain. I am so proud to be your mommy.

As each special time passes, a little bit of weight leaves me. At 8:30 when we learned you were gone, Lucas. The flashbacks hit so fierce, then just disappeared. I will never forget the look on Dr. M's face. Then again at 12:54am. I replayed scenes for about 20 minutes before. The hustle, the fear, my mom and sister coming in, and them cutting of my bra for surgery. (I know that is a funny detail.) I remember being terrified of your Daddy not being there and not getting to tell him that I love him. Having him by my side last night was more comforting that I could ever describe. Now to make it to 2:36am tomorrow. I am sure more weight will leave and I will find a new peace, a little bit of closure.

This time last year I was lying in Labor and Delivery, holding your body close, Lucas, trying to show him off to anybody who walked through the door. I don't know how many people came in that day, and how many left a little unsure. The pride of a mom is always there, and I was proud of my baby boy. Caleb, you were fighting for your life in the NICU. I hadn't seen you yet, but Daddy and Grandpa Tim had. I would get to meet you shortly after 5, when I was able to get up and into a wheelchair. It was hard to see you there so still, hooked up to so many wires and tubes. But the nurses were gentle with you.

Many are thinking of you today, boys. Just as they were last year. You have touched so many people's lives in so many ways. You are so loved and so missed every moment of every day.

Mommy