An Anniversary Letter

To My Best Friend

To My Best Friend

I wrote this last year and wanted to share it again. Love you so much, Willy!!


Dear Willy,

I love you so much! Although we have only been married for four years, it seems like we've spent a lifetime together.

You are the most amazing man I have ever met! You love me for everything that I am. And I am grateful everyday that you chose me to be your wife and the mother of your children...(even though there were so many others to chose from.) hehe

I truly love everything about you. You make me laugh everyday. And you are always true to who you are.

We always have such a great time together and you remind me that life doesn't always have to be so serious. I have never had so much fun with anyone else.

And the love you have for me is so apparent. I love how you like to show me off to everyone. Not only am I proud to have found someone so amazing, but you let me know that you feel the same.

And I know that we will always be together. This year has been incredibly tough for us, but you have held my hand and been by my side for every single step of this journey. You bring to true meaning the words, "For better or worse. Through good times and bad."

The day we got married was absolutely beautiful. You make me feel like a princess everyday. And you told me I looked like one on our day.

Everyone was so happy that I married you. Grandpa always told Grandma that he didn't have to worry about me anymore, because he knew you would take care of me. I miss you, Grandpa!

You know I adore you so much! And I love the look in your eyes when you look at me. I can see all your love in your smile.

And even though we took a less traditional path in our lives together, we are doing it our way. And we love each other and we are teaching our kids how to love.

And how to dance through life.

I just had to add this picture of our cake. Your mom did such an amazing job. She put so much love into this cake.

I think one of the things I love most about you is your sense of humor, even though there's a lot of orneriness. (This is when instead of pulling out my garter, he pulled out a black bra....that belonged to my SIL...thanks Brandy and Steve for playing along, it really added to the memories)

And you have given me four beautiful boys.

Colton 04/18/06

Ethan 11/29/07

Caleb 06/01/10

Lucas 06/01/10

I know this year has been the toughest. Our marriage has been tested more than any marriage should have to. But we have stood together, strong, through it all. You have watched me change, and been so patient with me. And I know it has been hard to watch me hurt and that it hurts you, too. But know that I love you more than the world and that I always will. I admire your strength and patience. We have had some good dances together and I know that the future holds some more.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain" Anonymous

Cowboys and Black Eyes

It's been a good week. We're adjusting well to our new routines, and I can feel all the pieces coming together. 

Here are some fun pictures to wrap up our week.

 Willy was kneed in the eye by Snickers.  

 And one of Colton's teammates didn't get the memo that they were playing flag football.

 Willy and Colton showing off their shiners.

 Today was cowboy/cowgirl day at preschool.  I have to say that Ethan is the most adorable cowboy still

What a cutie patootie!

 I had to throw this in here from November 2009.  I can't believe how much my little boy has grown!

 This kid seriously warms my heart with love and laughter.  I just want to hold on tight and never let go.

His cowboy pose.

Wearing his belt from Grandma Dru.

It has really been a good week, even with the black eyes. 

Much Needed Break

We've been busy.  Like super, crazy busy. 

Until this weekend.

On Wednesday night Colton came down with a horrible stomach virus.  We're talking projectile from both ends horrible.  I was forced to drop most everything to take care of him.  And I couldn't have been happier to do it.  A chance to spend time with my oldest, cuddling on the couch, watching tv.  I need that once in awhile, and I hate that my kids have to be sick in order for them to spend more than five or so minutes snuggling with me.

We went out Friday night to celebrate 24 hours in the clear.  It was a great night and we really had a lot of fun together.  By the time the boys were in bed, Willy and I were beginning to feel a little gross.  A half hour later, we were convinced we had been infected.  The night was long and rough.  Then Ethan woke up to announce he didn't feel well and prove it by losing his dinner from the night before all over the couch.

I should say here and now that both parents in a house should NEVER have a stomach bug at the same time....especially when there is only one bathroom and a sick child. 

I have to say, though, that this weekend was very much needed.  And even through the ickiness and frustration, there were blessings.  First, we were all made to stop.  Not just slow down, but come to a screaching halt and stay home.  Also, during the times the kids were up and about, Willy and I were never at our worst together.  If I had the chills and cramps, Willy was at 80% or so, and vice versa. 

We have all four reconnected as a family, not just people coming and going to school, work, practice, and meetings.  Although I really don't think it has become that bad, I know it could.  I've actually enjoyed this weekend.  I was shown that I can call and say we can't make it somewhere, that I can cancel dinner plans, and that not only one but four people will help if I just can't be there.  I have been reminded that even when I am so very busy, someone else always makes the time to slow me down. 

Still Here...

I can't believe it's been over a week since I've written last.  And as much as I want to share about Colton's first football game, I don't really have a ton of time to load pictures, so I'll make more time for it this weekend.

This past week (or few weeks) have been emotional.  I have cried on a daily basis.  I am insanely trigger sensitive, much like I was the first couple of months.  And I have to say that it sucks as much now as it did the first time around. 

We are so so busy right now, and I still haven't figured it all out.  I had no idea this is how busy we would be.   A lot of the emotions come down to the fact that I have 12 hours a week when I have no children with me.  AND I SHOULDN'T!  Plain and simple fact.  I should have two more little boys following me around, wanting my attention.  I am in no way ready for this stage of life, and I am holding on so very tight.  I am scared if I willingly move forward, that it will be increasingly hard to go back.

I know that all hope is not lost.  I am sure that knowledge is what is keeping me from going over the edge.  I just feel sad, though. 

My sister's baby shower was last weekend.  I headed up the planning for it...crazy, I know.  There were moments that were really hard, and others when I was too busy to really think about it much.  Then there is the mom today who was sharing the fun of having two sets of twin boys.  Yeah, she wasn't escaping that one.  She soon asked about my children and I softly told her we had twin boys and lost them.  She quickly told me she was sorry and then that awkward silence filled the room.  I actually apologized for blurting it out, but at the same time I felt tormented the way she was talking about something I had so close and then lost.

Colton and Ethan seem to be growing up so fast right now.  The days seem really short and I can't believe we've finished the fourth week of school.  I just want to hold on and never let go of them. 

So, to sum the past week or so up, it has been a little gloomy here and there.  It's kind of weird how it comes and goes, not to mention frustrating.  But that is how grief is, always changing, yet always the same. 

Ethan's First Day of Preschool

Ethan started school on August 30th.  It's been a few weeks, but it's taken this long to really come to terms with it.  There are so many emotions going on around this whole new beginning.  And since this is supposed to be a happy post about him, I go in to details about it all another time, another post.



 All ready to head to school.  This boy couldn't have been more excited!!

 Eating our first day breakfast at McDonalds.  His choice, of course!

 Super duper excited pulling in to the parking lot!

 He did not want pause at all for pictures.

 Walking him up to the school.

 The hug that started a week long of tears.

 Giving Daddy a hug, too.

Jumping right in to playing with his new friends.  My Ethan didn't look back once he entered the classroom.  He walked in like he'd been doing it for the past two years, instead of Colton.  He knew where his folder went.  He did (and has) tried to eat his lunch right away.  And that is truly my Ethan.

Patches the Bear

I've been needing to post this for awhile, and I know that I haven't posted about Ethan's first day yet.  So here is Patches' post for today.

Patches arrived in early August for his visit.  He is a bear that has traveled around the U.S. and Canada to visit families who have lost a baby(ies).  His blog is here, and I encourage you to check it out.  You can also sign up to receive a visit from Patches here.

 When not with us, Patches hung out with Lucas and Caleb on their shelf.  The nightlight was even on for him every night so he wasn't left in the dark.

 We took a trip to St. Louis for a couple of days.  Here is Patches hanging out with the "haunted" piano.  My boys were awful curious about this.

 We toured Union Station while waiting for Willy to get off work, and Patches got to see all the neat train stuff.

And no trip to St. Louis is complete without  trip to the zoo and penguin house.

Patches was also here for my birthday, which was special.  My family really enjoyed havning him around.  Thank you, Ter, for  such a wonderful way to help us mommas.

15 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Wow, 15 months since you've entered and left this world.  The number seems big to me.  Like a turning point or something is here or on it's way.  I don't have any idea why, just this feeling.

August was a good month, a busy one.  I turned 30, and celebrated in style with our closest friends who are really more family than friends.  I received my birthday card from the two of you. I have to say, you chose the right person to deliver it, thank you.  Colton started kindergarten.  The emotions around that event were alot like grief, which surprised me some.  And Ethan started preschool.  A much harder day(s) for me.  It still makes me tear up thinking that he is in preschool.  I feel the hole that was left when you died much more when I drop him off.  My house is emptier than it should be, and I am seriously not ready to leave this season of having children at  home yet. 

Today has been harder than the past couple of anniversaries, harder than some before your birthday, even.  I had some flashbacks early this morning.  I was up for over an hour trying to fight them off.  Then I was pulled over (for the very first time EVER) on the way to see Jamie for gunning it on a yellow light.  Only a warning, but I had Ethan in the back afraid I was going to jail.  Colton is even having a tough day today.  He decided the school lunch wasn't going to be good afterall, and just cried and cried.  His teacher (who is a total ROCKSTAR) called me and asked if I could bring a lunch in for him.  Then she let me talk to him.  He was still crying and all I could do was tell him I would get a lunch to him soon and that I loved him so very much.  A few minutes later I had to drop Ethan off, and that is as hard today as it was Tuesday. 

The tears have really flowed pretty freely today.  I know that the fact that I am tired and wiped out doesn't make things any easier.  I really just feel plain sad.   I miss you baby boys, very much so.  And once again I must say, "This just plain sucks.  There is no way around it."

Love you,
Mommy