Sharing With You, Baby

My sweet Cinco,

First, thank you Tessa, for your latest post.  So much has resonated with me.  Especially this, " All the times we danced with you and made sure you knew about all the truly important things in life like how to make the best chocolate chip cookies and how much dough you could sneak and eat before your tummy hurts or mommy freaks out. :-) "  Oh how these words have sat with me the past couple of days.

I feel like I've been in a rut, sweet baby.  I'm feeling better, getting more done, and enjoying some of the weather.  But I'm not fully sharing them all with you, as I really wanted to.  There's been some emotional frustration (thank you hormones) and maybe a little anger hanging around here and there.  And although it has probably little to do with our family, it still gets to me.  And I realized tonight, I don't want you to know anger and frustration.  I want you to know sillyness, happiness, and love. 

Since losing Lucas and Caleb, I have truly realized how precious each and every day is. Unfortunately, I sometimes get wrapped up in day to day stuff and forget.  I know everyone does.  I am going to try and hold onto this more.  With you, with Colton and Ethan, and with your Daddy.  It's time to appreciate the small stuff again, and enjoy every moment.

I made chocolate chip cookies tonight, and struggled on not trying the cookie dough.  The struggle that if something happens, will I blame myself for eating the cookie dough.  I weighed it, thought about all the great things I want you to know, and decided to pass this time.  But I have set a new goal of sharing something wonderful with you each and every day.  I will keep track for you in your journal.  And I look forward to sharing them with you one day when you are grown.

I love you, baby. 



10 Weeks, Baby!!

Baby Size: Just over an  inch (size of kumquat?)

Weight Gain: 2.5 lbs.

How I feel: About the same as last week.  The heartburn and reflux is beginning to kick in. 

Symptoms: No new ones other than heartburn and reflux.  Nothing has disappeared.

Favorite Food: Carrots and French Onion Dip, Salted Pretzels

Best part of last week: Hearing Cinco's heartbeat three times, and it being louder each time, for longer periods of time.  Love, love, love that sound!!

Looking forward to: Shopping for more maternity shirts since my non-maternity ones aren't really working at all.

I'm not doing as well writing on here as I would like.  There are so many things happening and I need to be better about sharing.  My goal for this next week is 3 posts here and 1 on the Among the Circle site.  I know I can do it!! 

I love being at 10 weeks.  It seems so much closer to 13 weeks....double digits, yay!!  I am so ready to reach that milestone.  I have had some more blissful moments this week.  Just some pure joy for this baby.  I am feeling more positive about things, though the fear creeps in once in awhile.  I am sure it will until Cinco is safe, alive, and snuggling in my arms in September. 

Next week I'll start posting some belly pictures....maybe later this week.  We've taken a few, just haven't loaded them off my camera yet.  But baby is definitely growing in there.  I have small regrets that I got rid of many of my older clothes when I lost all the weight.  Some of those shirts could definitely come in handy right about now.  I am planning on buying a few shirts later this week at a couple sales.
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Yesterday I had a visit with grief at church.  The worship team sang Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace and the tears just poured.  I sat in the back and looked at the row of chairs I sat in 21 months ago.  When Carmen and Kristie sang the most beauiful Amazing Grace, and Willy and sat there holding each other grieving for our sweet boys.  I can hear that song anywhere and I enjoy it.  But I hear it in church, even the new version, and my heart just breaks all over again.  The pain will always be there, and as much hope and healing that Cinco will bring, the yearning for my Lucas and Caleb will never go away.  I know this, and am at peace with it.  I just hope that others will respect it also.

9 Weeks!!!

Yay for 9 weeks today!  1 more week to double digit weeks, and 4 more weeks left of the first trimester!  Here are some stats:

Baby size: .9 inches (size of a grape)

Weight Gain: 2.5 lbs.

How I feel: Feeling better in the mornings and afternoons. Around 4:00 or so it begins to go downhill.

Symptoms: Gas!!!! Nausea, moodiness (just ask my sweet husband), breasts are sore, exhausted, and often short of breath, and a bloody nose in the morning.

Favorite Food: grapes and rootbeer floats
Maternity clothes: Now that I have the belly band, I can wear my favorite jeans for a while longer.  But many shirts are too tight....gotta love pregnancy number 4!!
Best Part of last week: No spotting!!
Looking forward to: Continuing to feel better

Last week was a pretty good week.  I am so excited to have made it another week closer to the end of the first trimester.  I am starting to feel like myself again, though.  And that really helps.  I've missed me.  My family has missed me.  I am so ready for spring, and just all the wonderful things that the future weeks and months possibly hold.

I am beginning to feel a little homesick.  The warm weather brings that on every year.  I get carsick just driving across town, so I am sure that a 200 mile trip isn't in my cards anytime soon. 

The boys are starting to get more excited.  Colton asks daily how big our baby is.  He also makes sure to tell everyone that it is going to be hard to keep an eye on two little ones.  A true big brother.  Ethan always lets me know he's being careful around me, as he doesn't want to hurt the baby. He is also getting in some extra cuddle time.  I am enjoying the time with them!

Angela, from Little Bird wrote a post over at Among the Circle.  Check it out, her writing is amazing and honest.

Among the Circle

Here it is, the new project I have been working on!

http://among-the-circle.blogspot.com

This is a blog for parents who have lost a baby and are expecting their rainbow baby.  I am so excited about this site and can't wait to see how it will grow.  We are still looking for a few regular authors to write here, so if you are interested, please let me know.  There are so many ideas for this site, and I hope that in the coming weeks, it really begins to take shape.

Please feel free to share this link on your blogs. 

The Most Beautiful Sight

...the first flicker of your baby's heartbeat!!!!  Baby Cinco's heartbeat was 150 this afternoon!  It was hard to make out top and bottom of baby, but there was no mistaking that beautiful flicker of her/his heart.  You can even see it in the picture below.  It's the bright spot. How super awesome.

My dr feels confident the spotting is from the blood vessels around my cervix.  I trust her in this, and it makes sense.  She has officially given me a due date of Oct. 1st.  Which means a c-section around Sept 20th or so.

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you!  Your prayers, thoughts, and support have carried me through the past couple of weeks.  God is truly good.  Twenty months ago, I never would have thought I would be here, going through all of this, and least of all with such an amazing support group by my side.  It is humbling.  Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Happy Valentine's Day

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Happy Valentine's Day sweet baby boys.  Two years ago today I got my first peek at one of you in the emergency room.  One of you was hiding from the ER Doctor.  And two years ago today I spent the last moments with my grandpa before he passed a few weeks later.  Today kind of holds some heavy emotions.  I sure miss the three of you.

I get to see your little brother or sister tomorrow.  I hope.  I am terrified that we will see nothing.  I know it is so likely that we'll see a tiny heartbeat and tiny baby, but I know reality, and it scares me.

Daddy is cooking our traditional Valentine's dinner right now.  Linguine with clam sauce.  He made this for me on our second date, and I LOVED it!!  We sat on the floor of his little apartment and ate.  He didn't have a table at the time.  I remember we had milk to drink, and I laughed at how he made the garlic bread.  Every year now he makes this dinner after the boy go to bed and we eat it together.  He also bought me my gold dipped rose again.  It is white.  It reminds me of the two of you.

I miss you babies!  I sat in the same classroom for Ethan's party today that I sat in when I was pregnant with you and at Colton's party.  It was hard as I thought about it.  But it was also peaceful, remembering the happiness and excitement I felt at that time.

02/12/12

Today marks 7 weeks for this pregnancy.  Never before has each and every week of a pregnancy been such a huge milestone.  I feel a little more relief as each week successfully passes.  I am that much closer to my next ultrasound, that much closer to 13 weeks, and that much closer to being able to feel this baby move around, bringing a little more relief.

Once I have the ultrasound on Wednesday and have been reassured thing are going alright, I'll start doing a weekly update post.  I just really want to have that piece of mind, first.

The all day long nausea isn't really letting up much right now.  I have spent many hours of the past several days hanging on the couch with my Kindle Fire.  It is so nice to check facebook and email from the comfort of my couch.  Netflix is also getting tons of use through the beginning of this pregnancy.  I wonder how many series of shows I can complete.  I am trying to take advantage of the small bursts of energy to keep caught up around the house some.  And I think we are all doing a pretty decent job around here. 

I am going to attempt making it to church this morning.  I need to be there.  It's really a great way to start my week, and I think I need a really good start to this one.  I am nervous and anxious about Wednesday.  Part of me would rather not go, rather not know.  But it will also be nice to have a more definitive answer.