Grief Limbo

My Grandma died yesterday.

 

There it is.  In writing.  Final.

 

And my emotions are so all over the place I am just plain worn out.

 

A lot of me misses her and is so incredibly sad.  My heart is broken.  And I just can't find any words to describe the depth of my grief.  It's not the debilitating level of grief of losing Lucas and Caleb, but at times it's hovering near.

 

Then there is the joy.  I know, not the word many would expect.  But her last couple of weeks here, especially the last couple of days, were really tough.  She was in a lot of pain.  And she was done.  She didn't want to be here any longer. And she couldn't understand why the Lord hadn't taken her yet.  I know she has been reunited with my grandpa and her daughter.  And that is what she was ready for.  She found comfort in knowing she would be with them soon, and in that I can feel comfort also.

 

But how do I balance the two emotions.  They are on opposite sides of the pendulum. This is one of the tougher parts of grief.  I feel both, in waves.  And there is the crazy feeling of guilt as I feel each emotion.  It's a wreck, I'm a wreck.

 

 

 Grandma with us when Simon was born. 

 

Grandma and Grandpa. They always coordinated their outfits.

Silver Dollar City, Cub Scout Camping, Simon

Oh my word, are we busy!  I love this time of year, October through December.  All the fall and holiday stuff going on.  We are having so much fun this year.  There are a ton of pictures here, and I will try and keep my ramblings to a minimum so it doesn't take forever to get through.  I combined three posts knowing that I am behind and may not have another chance for a few days. 

 

Here goes:

 

The boys had a random day off school last Wednesday.  The weather was perfect so we decided to head to Silver Dollar City.  The idea was to let them ride all the rides they can while there were no lines.  There were nearly NO lines.  I think the longest the boys waited was two runs before riding the smaller barn swing.  They thought it was the coolest thing to be able to ride multiple times over and over.

 

We also let Simon ride a couple things.  The boy will be another thrill seeker just like Colton. 

 



 

 He just looks so big here!

 Concentrating super hard.

 

Willy's self portrait

 This was run two or three for the boys.  Ethan loves it, and Colton tags along like a great big brother.

 Simon LOVED this ride!  I was a little nervous about him being in front of me, but he rocked it!

 

 

 

This weekend was also the Cub Scout Pack family fall campout.  We wussed out Friday night with the forecast of rain and 36 degree weather.  I am soooo very glad we did.  I heard it was miserable, and our close friends' tent leaked.  Kind of wish we would have been there to let them join us and be dryer though. 

 

We headed up Saturday morning.  As soon as we arrived, Colton started building a bird house and Willy worked on setting up camp.  It was cold, folks!  We all (minus Willy) were dressed in layers, many with a coat, hat, and gloves.  But we had so much fun!  

 Looking all big in his shirt.

 

Learning whittling technique on soap.

Warming up by the fire

 

 

The Harts are also part of our scout pack.  Having them there really made the weekend!  We had tons of time between meals and activities to hang out at camp.  Kristan and I hung by the fire while the dads chopped wood and the boys carried it back to camp.  The boys played and ran so much the entire weekend.  

These two boys really bonded this weekend.  They've grown up together, but this weekend really just brought them so much closer.

That green Frisbee in the previous picture, it spent quite a bit of time in the trees.

Our two cub scouts

 Toys guns (bazookas) made out of fire wood. 

 

 The pack had a flag retiring ceremony.  This was such an honor to be at and to be a part of.

 No camping trip is complete without the s'mores.

We had such an amazing time camping.  I honestly can't wait until spring when we do it again.  I am so thankful we are part of cub scouts and a pack that is so active.  The memories we are making are priceless!

 

 

 

Last night was some down time for all of us.  We arrived home around 11:30, we showered, watched some football, then all napped.  After dinner we chilled out some and headed to bed on time. 

 

Simon and Willy and were playing in the playroom. Simon found Lucas' monkey and climbed into the Cozy Coupe with it.  There are no words to describe the emotions that fill my heart when Simon interacts with his brothers' monkeys.

Be still my fragile heart.

 

Also, there was a picture taken last week at SDC of Simon that really reminded me of Ethan. Check it out.  Three of the Four below are Ethan.

Taking a Grief Day

My grandma's not doing well.  She's been battling colon cancer for three years now, and her body is beginning to lose the fight.  The past week I've listened to her get weaker and weaker on the phone, so yesterday I packed up Simon, and we took off to visit her for the day.  I am so incredibly grateful I was able to spend the time with her, but it really hurts to know our time together here is beginning to close.  Leaving her last night, by herself, on the couch, watching tv, was one of the hardest things I've had to do in the past three and a half years.  We have a relationship with each other that no words can describe.  And I know it's going to hurt something fierce when her day comes.

So today I am taking a grief day.  The knowledge of future grief mixes with Lucas and Caleb grief and it's just a big stormy mess in my head.  Grief is grief.  And once again I've learned you can't walk around it.  I find it amusing that I tried to convince myself I was better equipped to handle loss since losing Lucas and Caleb.  Guess it's the self preservation mechanism kicking in.  I was wrong, though.  This is going to be hard, and I'm going to be a hot mess.

I feel completely unmotivated today.  The fact that I have to walk to pick up the older boys from school today is most likely the only reason I'll change out of pajama pants and a t-shirt.  Dinner is in the crock pot and I am looking forward to Simon's nap time so I can sleep also.  I know I'll walk through today and will likely wake up refreshed tomorrow.  These days are tough ones.  But I know I have to move through them.  I  have to embrace the power of grief and let it sit for short time so that I can have a better day tomorrow.

A few other things of note that has helped to build up to today:

*October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Lucas and Caleb are closer as I think about them and all the women who have lost their babies.

*Sunday at Silver Dollar City there was a craftswoman who had a booth next to the toy store.  She makes urns.  She had an urn labeled, "Infant and Pet Urn."  First, who, who has lost a baby isn't going to feel the pangs of grief when reading those words in middle of what's supposed to be a fun day?  Secondly, how can someone categorize infant and pet together?  And third, the urn was TOO big!  And I hate, hate, hate that I know that it's too big.

*Simon is changing so fast. I've watched him with a few other babies toddlers that are really close to his age, and seeing them interact and learn together pokes the heart a little bit.  By itself, it's manageable and mostly a fleeting thought.  Add it to all this and well, crud.

I did talk with my grandma this morning.  She was thinking about eating something small for breakfast.  It's a change, and I hope she does.  I'm going to spend the day with some extra snuggles with my Simon, and will probably call her later.

Truly Best Friends

I tried and tried to find a few of the pictures I have taken to prove this post, but they are no where to be found. So no pictures today, just a bunch of my words.

We were often teased when I was pregnant with Ethan about having two kids under two.  Many said I would go crazy trying to keep up with the both of them and that it would be hard.  I knew though, that their close age would also mean that they would be close to each other.  And they are.  These two boys are the best of friends.  Yes, they annoy each other, pick on each other, and set each other up once in awhile for trouble, but that is just being brothers. 

It is often that I find them on the couch together, watching tv, all tangled up in each others arms and legs.  Just chilling there. It's wild.  They find themselves bored when the other isn't around.  And since they've started school in the same school, they've only dived deeper into their own world.  Many days I'll hear the two of them having their own conversation in the back of the van or behind us as we walk home from school.  They talk about things I know little about, and then sometimes argue about the very same things.  But I LOVE it all!

I love that they have each other, and that they always will.  I try to emphasize to them when they are angry with one another how important they are to each other.  And we really try to help them be individuals also.  We try to find different activities for them to do, and we concentrate some on their different interests.  Colton loves Ninja Turtles and Ethan is crazy about trains.  And we encourage them both to spend some time doing what they love, playing with what they love.  And often they end up combining their two loves and playing together.

I guess the reason I am sharing this is because they have really grown closer the past couple of months.  I wanted to share how awesome it is.  I have several friends right now who just had or are expecting their second baby in a two(ish) year time span.  And I want them to know that it might be difficult and chaotic in the beginning, but after the first two years or so, it is so much fun. 

And I found a picture!



Happy Anniversary Dear Husband



 

 

Seven year ago today I married my best friend.  We have been through so much together, and every year we are closer and closer to each other.  I am so grateful that I have him to walk through life with.  I love the adventure we take on every day raising our boys, and truly couldn't imagine being with anybody else through it all.

 

I love you, Willy!  Thanks for being who you are and for loving me and our children so very much!

A Birth Story for Simon's Birthday

Simon turns ONE today.  It's been a day of emotions for me, and fun so far for him.  I can't believe how big he is, and how much he is learning every day.  He can do so much now, and I know the next several months is going to be so full of learning and growing.  It's going to be fun!! 

Oh and he's walking now!  Love, love, love it!

I thought since I never really posted his birth story here, that I would go ahead and do so today.  It's really a great story and I love it all so much.  I'll spare every little detail, because with pictures it would last forever.  But here's the highlights with some picture of the day he was born.

I woke up at 2:30 on Wednesday morning as I had pretty much every morning for the past month.  Usually I would go downstairs, watch a little tv and fall back asleep on the couch.  Knowing, however, that Simon would be here today, I couldn't fall back asleep.  At about 4:30 I gave up and took a shower.  At 5:15am I woke up Willy and the boys and we got ready to head for the hospital for our schedule C-section.

Taken in front of Labor and Delivery

 

Once we were admitted, the nurse introduced the nursing student that would be with us also. She seemed surprised when I told her that if I was contracting regularly and there was a change in my cervix from Friday, that Dr L would break my water and we would try for a VBAC.  But she was game. 

At 8:00 or so, Dr L came in and said I was dilated to a 2, and that we could try for the VBAC.  She said that they'd admit me to Labor and Delivery and she would be back down to break my water.  I was ecstatic!!!  I really was hoping for a VBAC.  But my prayers for most the pregnancy had been that if a c-section was safer, that we would know for sure, without a doubt.  So we packed up my stuff and headed to the other section of Labor and Delivery.

Happy face for no c-section

 

Dr L came in about 10:00 to break my water.  I was feeling no contractions, although they were about 3 minutes apart or so.  She told me before leaving it usually take an hour for labor to really begin.  It was 15 minutes later when the first strong and true contraction hit.  And like my other labors, they were all in my back.  By 11:30 I was on the labor ball with Willy applying counter pressure in the small of my back.  I was 4 cm dilated and the nurse put me on the epidural list.  About 12:30, the anesthesiologist came in with some students and I was soon much more comfortable.

Texting with Rhonda.  She was in labor in CO also.

 

The boys visited about every hour or so.

 

 

 

 

 

At this point it was all about getting some rest while I could.  They checked me every hour or so to make sure I was progressing some.  Since I couldn't have Pitocin with the VBAC, they had to keep a close eye on him.  From 12:30-3:30 I had gone from a 4-5.  I was still laboring well, and contraction were still regular, I just wasn't progressing.  Dr L came down to check on me before a C-section.  She told me that if things didn't progress more in the next hour that we would try some other methods to see if thing would pick up.  I continued to pray for his safe arrival.  C-section or VBAC I didn't care, I just wanted him here safely.

Ethan watching the monitors.

At 4:15 they checked me again and I was dilated to a 7!  I was so excited for some progress.

At 4:45 I was checked again and was 8cm dilated!  Not 5 minutes late I began to feel the pain above my hip that always indicates that I am ready to push.  The nurse only checked me again because Simon's labor was my third labor.

And this was taken at 4:53

Dr L and I.  After 5 babies, she was finally able to deliver one.  She has ALWAYS been out of town when the other boys were delivered.

Everything moved pretty fast once they noticed Simon was coming.  It was a blur of movement to hurry up and set up before he was here.  I remember the nurse telling me not to laugh, because his head was right there.  They brought the mirror in and oh my, he truly was.  Dr L came in, put her gloves on.  I pushed once and out he came.  I remember knowing that I would breathe once I heard him cry.  I didn't have a chance to listen because he came out and his cord was wrapped around his neck.  Dr L told Willy she had to cut the cord, as she was doing it and I was just holding onto the fact that he's here.  He finally cried for us and I took the easiest breath I had since I found out I was pregnant with him.

And at 5:07 Simon Parker William was born.

 

One of my all time favorites!

 

 

 

I want to say that I was afraid that fear for Simon would fill the day.  I was afraid that grief would overshadow the joy.  But I was able to tuck away the fear and grief and embrace every single moment.  Lucas and Caleb were there with us, but I didn't feel emotional tugs, or experience flashbacks as I thought I would.  I am grateful for that.