It's all different now. Really, really different. I still talk about my baby boys, but it's different. I talk more about since they were born, or when they were born than I do the actual experience. Most days are good days now. And on these days, their names innocently roll off my tongue without a second thought. There is no lump in my throat, no tears trying to find their way out, but rather a smile on my face.
Twice in the past week I've talked to a distant acquantance. When Lucas and Caleb have been brought up, they seemed more upset than I was feeling at the time. Weird, really. One friend was really desired to talk about them. I really appreciate the sympathy, and the how she felt to talk about my Lucas and Caleb, I just felt a little weird. Usually I am the one making people cry, but the words she shared with me brought tears to my eyes. The first tears I've cried for them in a couple weeks.
Life is quickly changing right now. And my grief is changing once again right along with it. And secretly I wonder how my birthday will be this year. Last year it was pretty cruddy with it being my 36 week mark, the point when Lucas and Caleb most likely would have been born. I have thought very little about it this year, but the thought is there, without the anticipation. Normally when I haven't anticipated emotional pain, I have suffered quite a bit. Like on New Years Eve, that was a doozy!
I met a little girl (8 or9) today whose mother died a month ago. I wanted to reach out and comfort her. Tell her how much it all sucks and that one day she'll find a few pieces to this puzzle. But I realized that even though I know alot about death and grief, I know squat about where she is at. All I could do was think about how awful it would be for Colton and Ethan to lose me. It broke my heart that she has to feel this intense pain at such a young age. I hope she finds Lost and Found, or that I see her grandmother again to suggest the organization. Afterall, I do remember the slight change in carried weight when someone shared with me, and offered to help.
A year later, it is all different.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it would be like to lose a parent at such a young age. Though I never was able to imagine what it would be like to lose a baby either. It's not something I'll ever experience, and I pray my kids never have to experience it either.
I am glad you are doing well, and I hope you continue to do so! Thinking of you often! <3