I am still counting the months. Although the other day it crossed my mind that it has been 15, then I realized only 14 months since the two of you were born. Today is probably the easiest first of the month that I've had, yet. Though Colton wasn't here this morning for my hug and conversation that we usually have on the first.
The two of you have been on mind the past couple days a little more. I have thought about what we would be doing in all this heat with four boys in the house. Or when I took Colton in for his stitches, I thought about how crazy it would have been if you two were there instead of James and Thomas. There are first birthdays coming up within the church and it hits my heart that if all had gone right, we'd being trying to play party dates around each other.
The month was pretty good. The heat is really wearing on us all. We can only do so much outside the house, especially when Colton isn't allowed to swim right now. There have been some really good days, weeks, and then a few harder ones. I still feel the shift I felt last month, only at times the two of you seem really far away now. I feel like I am in a tug of war with time.
August is going to be a busy and crazy and emotional month. I have, in a way, dreaded this month since you were born. Colton starts kindergarten, Ethan starts pre-school, and I have time by myself. I was supposed to have two babies to still be caring for during the days. Now it's just me, and I really have a hard time with it at moments. I hoping this is like all other grief related dates. The anticipation is much worse than the actuality of it all.
To end on a happier note. Daddy saw dragonflies all over the backyard on Saturday and told me it was so neat and wished I had been there to see it also. And Ethan asked the other night at dinner how many babies were going to come out of my tummy. I have to love that boy. Even though we're not expecting another baby, he is looking to the future. I also love how everytime Colton and Ethan go to Grandma's house, they always take your monkeys with them. We all love and miss you, my sweet baby boys.
Mommy
P.S. A few hours after writing this letter to you, I called Grandma to talk about some new PTA stuff. She had me talk to Colton for a moment. He gets on and says, "When I get home can we talk about Lucas and Caleb." I truly am amazed by this boy. He always knows.
Wow, Colton never ceases to impress and amaze me. I love that he talks about Caleb and Lucas on the first of every month. I love that they take the monkeys with them.
ReplyDeleteI saw a lot of dragonflies at the cottage. More than I remember in past years. I thought of you and your boys each time I saw them.
I hope that the anticipation of being alone is worse than the actual thing. Sending you hugs thinking of the 2 babies that should still be home with you.
Wow! I love how much Colton likes to talk about his baby brothers. <3 What wonderful big brothers Caleb and Lucas have. The monkeys make me smile. I am glad that this anniversary wasn't quite as difficult as the others. I know your sweet twins will always be heavy on your mind and in your heart. I have been seeing so many dragonflies this season and can't help but think of your boys. Thinking about you, Caleb, and Lucas always <3 <3 <3
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