Family Photos

Family Photos. Family Photos. Family Photos. Family Photos.

Too bad I don't and won't have any with my whole family. It totally sucks. I have such a hard time these days taking and sharing family photos. We are missing Caleb and Lucas. I try to tell myself they are with us, or in my necklace, or we'll hold the monkeys. But it's just not complete.

I was asked today for a family photo. I don't even remember who from right now. I just know that I started crying and became frustrated because I'll never have a complete family photo. We took the one at Six Flags a few weeks ago and that was really hard. I look at it and think, I should have been crazy pregnant. The twins would have been in it because my belly would have been HUGE!!

I know that after another month or so I'll see pictures of Willy, Colton, Ethan, and I and will probably feel a twinge of pain because Willy and I should each have a baby in our arms. But we won't. And I know that pain will always be there. I just hope that I can learn to live with it.

And maybe I will find a family photo from when I was pregnant with Lucas and Caleb and give it to that friend who asked for one.

Trying again

I've been noticing a big difference in my desire to try again for another baby. It's a good difference, more like a shift, really. For the first several weeks all I could think about was getting pregnant and soon. Now it's an idea that comes and goes freely, but isn't taking over my thoughts like it used to. I think it's really interesting how I've kind of moved through different phases of this. I feel certain it's part of my grieving process. I thought I would write about it some since it really does and will play a big part in my life.

Within an hour of delivering Caleb and Lucas, Dr. M came in to tell me that the c-section went well. She also informed me that we were in lucky in that she was able to do a horizontal incision instead of the vertical, which is typical at 24 week gestation. She then explained that this was important for future pregnancies. I was instantly horrified! How could she mention future pregnancies when I had just delivered a stillborn baby and my other son was seriously battling for his life? I couldn't imagine having anymore babies right now.

About a week after Lucas and Caleb were born I started getting that itch. The one that I needed, no I HAD to be pregnant like right now! I just had to. It was really weird. My good friend, Rhonda called it that empty need to be pregnant. I felt it and wanted it. I felt some guilt, it wasn't that I was trying to replace the two I had lost, I just missed being pregnant. I just knew that being pregnant again would make me feel better.

When I asked my doctor at my 4 week post-op visit, I was hoping she would tell me 3 months. The answer I got from her was 6 months. SIX MONTHS!!!! I actually started crying. There was no way I could wait that long! Then she explained to me that getting pregnant any earlier would drastically increase my chance of miscarriage and even stillbirth. And I very quickly accepted it. I am willing to wait that 6+ months so that I never have to go through this kind of pain again. Even though it isn't guaranteed, at least I can give my self better chances for a successful pregnancy.

Over the last week I've noticed a sudden change in how I have been feeling in regards to being pregnant. I no longer have that empty need, I have full blown baby fever. I want another baby. When I hear a baby cry I think how I miss it, I want it to be my baby. I want to play the role of a mommy to a newborn, infant, toddler, all the stages. I want to do it all again. And I find so much peace in all this. The change is comforting. I no longer feel rushed. I still feel cheated. I know I always will. And I know having another baby won't take all the pain away. But I remember that when we conceived the twins it was because we were wanting a third child. Losing Lucas and Caleb didn't take away that desire. It makes me more anxious about it all, but I still feel like our family isn't complete.

Time Bomb

Tick, Tick, Tick

I can hear the ticking this morning. I woke up and was like, "Crap" Seriously haven't had a morning like this in a couple weeks. I came downstairs and Willy was making waffles. He says, "Damn ants."

Tick, Tick, Tick

The cramping starts while I am setting the table.

Tick, Tick, Tick

Ethan comes in and scrapes his toe on the corner of a piece of tile that is coming up off the floor. Willy bends over and rips it the rest of the way off.

Tick, Tick, Tick

Colton finishes his waffles and proceeds to scrape his fork very quickly back and forth along his plate.

Tick, Tick, Tick

The first of my three pregnant friends from church is having her baby shower today. I've been ready to go all week. I've been determined to be there and actually thought I would make it. It wasn't until last night I realized the reality of it all. I couldn't. I didn't want to be some heaping mass of tears while everyone was celebrating her and her husband's exciting day.
The world is really moving on without my babies.

KABOOM!!!

Sweet Button Names

So this is my new project. I only had time to do 3 names other than Caleb and Lucas yesterday, but I hope to get more done over the weekend. There is a link on the left to the blog where you can see the names and make a request. I am so excited to be able to give back to the wonderful community that has given so freely to us. Thank you to all the moms who have thought of Lucas and Caleb and our family.

With Much Love,
Carrie

Moving Along the Road

Before today when someone would walk into my house, it was obvious that we had lost two baby boys. Every room, minus the bathroom, had a piece of them in it. Their monkeys were in the living room with their memory boxes, their ashes and a trinket box in the playroom on the mantel, a 12X12 shadowbox that was handmade for them in the dining room, and of course their picture next to my bed.

I really loved having them everywhere. I needed to have them everywhere. I almost felt like I wasn't doing them justice if I didn't have them everywhere. And I know I would have had so much more out to display if I had the space. I would probably have plastered their pictures all over my walls if I could.

Today something changed. Something just clicked. All of a sudden I had cleared off one of the center shelves of our china cabinet. I had moved their ashes there, the painting from Steve and Brandy and their plaster footprints were there. The corner in the living room where their monkeys had sat on top of the memory suddenly had a chair in it. And it happened just like that.


I guess I no longer feel I need to have them everywhere. I will always physically carry them around my neck, close to my heart. And I will always carry their memory and love with me. I miss them so much every day. And the pain is still incredible, but bearable most days. But Lucas and Caleb deserve their own place in our home. A place that anyone can look at and remember them also. A place that is kept neat, free of dust, and out of the reach of their brothers.

This change makes me sad now as I sit and think about that I really did all this. And it wasn't even a gradual move, it was a whirlwind through the house. It's nice to feel like I am moving along this road, but that weird guilt is still kind of lingering. I am sure it always will, it's part of the awfulness. And their picture is still next to my bed in their frame.

Questions...

As I've been reading other blogs and talking with other moms, the questions keeping haunting me.

Did Caleb ever open his eyes?

Did Caleb cry when he was born? Or at all?

I know at 24 weeks he was physically developed enough to do either one. I finally asked Willy last night if he saw Caleb open his eyes. Willy was able to spend more time with him in NICU and I was hoping he got to see our son's eyes. And he told me he doesn't remember seeing them open, but that the nurses had mentioned that Caleb had opened them.

Willy also remembers hearing him try to cry right after they removed the ventilator. Which makes me HATE that I don't remember that or that I didn't hear that. I was right there, in my bed and I didn't hear a thing. I know the only way to find out if he cried when he was born is to ask Dr. M, the doctor that delivered him. And I don't want to go back to the office until there is good news to share. So I guess I'll sit on that one for awhile.

I hate that I didn't get to see Lucas or Caleb's eyes. I hate that I didn't get to hear them cry at all! I remember thinking about hearing baby cries in stereo. And I would always laugh at the thought of it. I so wish I could have at the memory of their eyes or cries to hold onto also.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I remember when I first lost Lucas and Caleb I googled every combination of words I could come up with to find other moms and their stories. I didn't want to be alone in my pain. I wanted to know what I was feeling was normal. I wanted to know what to expect. I wanted to cry with other moms, relate with other moms, and know that the sun was going to shine again some day.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope it just that site. Kristin (Stevie's mommy) decided it was time for all us babylost parents to compile our stories on one site. She is amazing in all the work she has done. Now when a parent unfortunately joins our community, they can find exactly what they are looking for. There are so many of us out there. Although it is said to see all the faces of all the parents who no longer have their babies with them, it is also helpful to those of us who have lost our children. The community is full of amazing and strong women (and men) who are living through this nightmare also.

You can find the site by clicking the picture to the right that is labeled Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Lucas and Caleb's story is on there under Twins, TTTS, Infant Loss, and Stillbirth

Thank you so much, Kristin. Many of us would be lost without you!!!