To My Best Friend

I wrote this last year and wanted to share it again.  Love you so much, Willy!!


Dear Willy,

I love you so much! Although we have only been married for four years, it seems like we've spent a lifetime together.


You are the most amazing man I have ever met! You love me for everything that I am. And I am grateful everyday that you chose me to be your wife and the mother of your children...(even though there were so many others to chose from.) hehe

I truly love everything about you. You make me laugh everyday. And you are always true to who you are.

We always have such a great time together and you remind me that life doesn't always have to be so serious. I have never had so much fun with anyone else.

And the love you have for me is so apparent. I love how you like to show me off to everyone. Not only am I proud to have found someone so amazing, but you let me know that you feel the same.

And I know that we will always be together. This year has been incredibly tough for us, but you have held my hand and been by my side for every single step of this journey. You bring to true meaning the words, "For better or worse. Through good times and bad."

The day we got married was absolutely beautiful. You make me feel like a princess everyday. And you told me I looked like one on our day.

Everyone was so happy that I married you. Grandpa always told Grandma that he didn't have to worry about me anymore, because he knew you would take care of me. I miss you, Grandpa!

You know I adore you so much! And I love the look in your eyes when you look at me. I can see all your love in your smile.

And even though we took a less traditional path in our lives together, we are doing it our way. And we love each other and we are teaching our kids how to love.

And how to dance through life.

I just had to add this picture of our cake. Your mom did such an amazing job. She put so much love into this cake.

I think one of the things I love most about you is your sense of humor, even though there's a lot of orneriness. (This is when instead of pulling out my garter, he pulled out a black bra....that belonged to my SIL...thanks Brandy and Steve for playing along, it really added to the memories)

And you have given me four beautiful boys.

Colton 04/18/06

Ethan 11/29/07

Caleb 06/01/10

Lucas 06/01/10

I know this year has been the toughest. Our marriage has been tested more than any marriage should have to. But we have stood together, strong, through it all. You have watched me change, and been so patient with me. And I know it has been hard to watch me hurt and that it hurts you, too. But know that I love you more than the world and that I always will. I admire your strength and patience. We have had some good dances together and I know that the future holds some more.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain" Anonymous

I love you, Willy. I always have and I always will!

Here's to a lifetime with my best friend,

Happy Anniversary

Carrie

Changing of the Seasons

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope's monthly topic is how the changing of the seasons has effected our grief journey. I've thought on this quite a bit, and might ramble some, but here it goes.

I am thrilled for fall to FINALLY be here! The summer started with the twins being born and dying. Going into the summer (May-ish) we all talked about how hot and miserable I would be throughout. We joked about getting an window unit and closing me into the living room, making me a personal igloo. It was SO much fun joking about it and waiting for it all.

Instead the summer was comfortable instead of unbearably hot for me. I was able to do things with my family that I shouldn't have been able to. And I missed what should have been all the way.

The coming of fall was hard also. Lucas and Caleb should have been born the end of August. I should have been struggling to get them in their double stroller and Ethan unbuckled and Colton into school three mornings a week. And I should have been hearing oohs and ahhs, not "I'm so sorry." I should have been wondering when I would be capable to juggle everyone so I could go to MOPS meetings, not crying hysterically at the first meeting that I was able to help plan and set-up. And when the summer births were announced, their birth announcement shouldn't have been followed by their death announcement.

But, the changing of seasons also brings a new beginning. In a few months we are looking at Operation CA. Right now we are trying to sell our house. And let's not forget the greatness of fall decorations and Halloween decorations! I LOVE this time of year, next to winter, probably because it precedes winter. I know there will be some hard moments, but I honestly believe the worst left with summer. The worst summer of our lives has come and gone, and I truly hope the fall brings much better things for us.

Oh and I updated the picture of the day. I know, I keep getting behind.

Wave of Light October 15, 2010

As many of us know, October 15th is National (everyone around the world is welcome) Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Since there is not a gathering in the Springfield area that I could find, I decided to organize one for all of us parents that are missing our babies. I am really excited about this and that Kristan is so willing to help me with it. The church is wonderful to let us have it there because we are hoping for a good turnout.

I am really beginning to see how hush-hush people still are about their losses. To each their own, I guess. But I am not one to sit down and not let the world know that Lucas and Caleb were here and they touched and still touch so many lives every day. I agree with so many women that the chain of quiet needs to be broken and we need to stick together. I felt so very alone when I found out Lucas passed and again when Caleb passed. I had a few close to me who had suffered losses, and if it weren't for two of them, I have NO idea how I would have made it through those first few days. Thank you for your openness and willingness to share your thoughts and feelings everyday.

****Getting off my soapbox now******

If you are reading this and live in the Springfield area and have suffered a loss, please consider joining us. I am sure there will be lots of tears on this night. How could there not be? We are a safe group and safe place to cry all those tears. Don't worry about not having the strength to be there, together we give each other strength. And don't worry about feeling exposed, you are part of this club, unfortunately, it truly helps to meet some of the other members. They know where you are, where you've been, and where you're going. And if you know someone who has suffered a pregnancy or infant loss, please share this with them.

Also, below is the link to the I Am The Face campaign. Please check it out!
http://www.iamtheface.org/Face/I_AM_THE_FACE/I_AM_THE_FACE.html

My two Butterflies

I'm having a peaceful day today and thought I would share this with everyone. I watched these two butterflies at the Nature Center a couple of weeks ago for 20 or so minutes. I was really missing Lucas and Caleb on that day and I honestly feel they sent me the butterflies to ease my heart some.

These two butterflies flew and played together for so long. They would land on a flower on top of each other then fly off as though they were playing tag. I am sure my two babies are playing together now in Heaven. Oh, how I miss them, but I have faith that one day I will be with them again.

Where I'm Sitting

Well, Friday wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was busy getting ready to go to the Lake and stay at a friend's cabin. He's been a close friend for 14 years now and has always been here for me. His wife and him were so warm and welcoming to me and my family this weekend. We are so grateful for the chance to get away and relax at a time that could have been so very difficult. I hope to blog more about our stay with pictures at some point this week.

So, the due date has come and gone. I was really shocked by the immense emotional rollercoaster it brought with it. I honestly believed since we never thought we would make it to September 17, that it would sting a little. How foolish I was. And now that it's gone, it feels different than I expected also.

It feels like I am starting back at the beginning in a way, just a lot milder. I guess it's a new chapter in all this. But I still spent a lot of time missing the twins this weekend, thinking about them, and trying to change things in my mind with the "what ifs". And it drives me absolutely batty. I mean, I've been through all this already. It makes me wonder if I am just going crazy or it's really part of the whole picture.

But I am doing better today. I feel like a did a few weeks ago and am ready to get on the ball with house stuff and Operation C.A. (hehe) I have a million things going on and am trying out a few new routines to make sure everyone and thing gets the attetion it needs and deserves.

I also would like to really mention my social anxiety. Just to put it out there to see if anyone else is going through this, or been through this and it's gone away on it's own. I have always been a very social person. I live for larger crowds!!! But since Lucas and Caleb's birth, I have issues if surrounded by more than 10 or so people. I feel physically and emotionally ill. My heart starts to race and my knees want to buckle. And it doesn't really matter what kind of group I am in, it just hits.

And I find myself feeling the same way when I think about being around extended family. There are a couple of dates coming up where there will be family around and I just start to panic a little. I can pinpoint this one a little more, but I can't seem to work through it. And I really can't decide if I want to push through it and suck it up, or just wait until I am truly ready to be there, around it all. It might be awhile, but I am sure everyone will understand. The combination of it all might just be a bad idea for me at this point.

Bits and Pieces

Here's some bits and pieces of thoughts I've had this week. It all may seem a little random and choppy, but I really wanted to share it all and thought I would just get it done in one post. Tomorrow (the 17th) is the due date for Lucas and Caleb. It is written very big on the calendar that used to hang on our wall. I honestly did not think this week would be a hard one. Or at least anywhere near as hard as what it has been. We were never going to make it to 40 weeks. But the pain this week and all the tears are pretty similar to the week the boys were born and then gone.

I truly hate that we have all had to go through this. I know many of you are fellow BLMs who have lost their baby(ies). And many others are friends and family who have lost beside us. Grandparents that lost two of their grandsons, aunts and uncles who have lost two of their nephews, and friends who have lost the opportunity to meet and enjoy two more of our sons. The journey of being pregnant with twins was supposed to be a good one. There was supposed to be good times with some tough spots. But there wasn't supposed to be death, there wasn't supposed to be tears of udders sadness. I was supposed to bring home two smiling little boys in their car seats, not two white boxes with their ashes.

I have kept myself very busy over the summer, trying to push through all this. Colton and Ethan have really enjoyed doing and experiencing a lot. And every time we would head out to go somewhere for the day or days, I would think back to two days before my water broke. I was talking to Willy (more like crying) about how I hated that Colton and Ethan would probably miss out on many summer activities because there was just no way I would be able to do it all. I then said that I wouldn't change it for the world, but that it just made me sad. There has been alot of personal guilt from that conversation. I know it had nothing to do with this outcome, but it's still there.

I was looking at pictures earlier, trying to get some together for a memorial video. I came across one of the only ones of Willy and I together during the hospital stay. I was holding Caleb right after they had removed his breathing tube. Willy is sitting next to, looking at us with a single finger on my arm. This picture says it all. I know he wanted to take all the pain away. I know he wanted nothing more than for our babies to be healthy. And I know he felt helpless. My husband is such an amazing man. He is so strong and sensitive. He is always there and always knows the right thing to do, even if I don't agree at the time. I love him so much. And I hate that he didn't get to know Lucas and Caleb the same way I did. I hate that so many visions of the future of our four boys running around wild will never come true. And I hate that he has to learn how to live with his new wife. Not the one he went to the hospital with, but the one he left with. The one that is unpredictable at certain times. One who cries more. And one who isn't fully whole and definitely not carefree. I know we have an amazing marriage and that we will survive this. But I am sorry just the same.

I have a project starting up soon for October 15th. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and feel I really need to do something. I will put up more details next week sometime when it is all nailed down. This is helping me some in giving me a little more purpose. Also, I want the world to know how amazing my MOPS family is. They managed to pass around a card last week at the meeting to share their love and prayers with me this week. I received the card yesterday and after crying for 20 minutes or so, I have felt lighter. Thank you, ladies for doing all you have for me and my family.

I touched earlier in the post how I am doing really bad. I honestly cried all the way to a consignment sale yesterday and continued to cry while standing in line. I saw two sets of twin boys being pushed by and heard the announcement of a baby girl behind me. A lady was on the phone just finding out. And the last time I was at this sale was right before we found out the twins were boys. Mon, Tues, and Wed were all like this. I cried in the car, in stores, and of course at home.

But today shows a little more promise and I KNOW the weekend will be a good one.

Some Kind of Sick Joke

Seriously, this month is sucking it up BIG TIME!

As many of you know Friday is my Due Date with the twins. I am a complete mess this week. I am crying at things I cried at in the beginning. And I am sitting on the couch staring into oblivion thinking about the twins, my pregnancy with the twins, and sometimes just nothing at all. Did I mention the crying? Seriously tears are falling a couple times an hour.

And to top of this week, I'm on my period! Thank you Mother Nature for yet another reminder that I am not pregnant and won't be for awhile, yet. Thank you for the reminder that my baby boys are not here and I'm not breastfeeding them. And thank you for magnifying the already over the top grief I am feeling.

That's it. I just wanted to vent and get this out. I try to keep this blog honest and this is pretty much as honest as it gets. I truly hate this!