Colton's First Day of Kindergarten

Last Thursday was Colton's first day of kindergarten.  Surprisingly enough, the morning wasn't near as hard as I thought it was going to be.  I kind of broke down and shut off Wednesday night, though.  After the meet-the-teacher event, I was having a tough time. 

I woke up early on Thursday morning to make my little man breakfast.  He had requested bacon, eggs, and blueberry muffins.  The peaceful time alone before the kids waking up was, and is, priceless.  Colton woke up at 7:15 and came down the stairs singing, "Today is the first day of kindergarten!!!"  So happy that he is so excited about school!

 Here's Colton on his bike, ready to ride it the 4 blocks to school!

 On our way!

 My little guy in front of his very big school!

 Colton and I outside his classroom.

 Colton showing off his schoolbox.  We decorated it with Green Lantern stickers since they only make plain ones anymore.

 Colton and his teacher, Mrs. Toomey. We both really like her!

A silly face for mommy before it's time to go.

Believe it or not, I shed not a tear that day.  And I felt really guilty about it.  Seriously, what kind of mom doesn't cry when her oldest son starts kindergarten?  Then I remembered how rough the night before was, and realized I had been treating this event just as I do grief.   The anticipation is much worse than the moment.

I will leave with a funny story:  This morning I took Colton to the gym to wait with his class.  It was his first day to go there, and he was pretty anxious about being in the middle of all those kiddos.  I told him I would wait by the door until his teacher came to pick him up.  I walked over to the door and kept eye contact with him.  He seemed nervous, which made me a little nervous.  Like tears welling up for him nervous.  Anyway, his teacher came in and began to take his class out of the gym.  I waved to him, he started to smile, and I blew him a kiss.  When I looked up, I noticed the principal waving at me....I looked shocked, I just "blew a kiss" to the principal, he thought I was waving at him.  We both chuckled, waved at each other and I dashed out of there.  So happy that I have gotten to know him pretty well over the past couple of weeks or it could have been even more embarrassing.

The Big 30!!

On Saturday, August 20th, I turned the Big  30!!

We decided to throw a luau themed birthday party this year for my birthday.  Afterall, 30 is a pretty big birthday and I figured if I did it right, it would be a blast, not a sad day!  And we had so much fun!  We are so blessed with amazing friend and family. 

The pictures are not in the order I would like, but oh well.  I hope you enjoy them!!

 We set up two canopies in the backyard for shade and guard against rain.  It rained all around us that day.  We only felt a few sprinkles.  Thank you Sam and Brian, and Chris and Tina, for the use of your canopies!

 I love this picture of Kristan.  It is so much fun and shows her personality!

 Willy made my cake for me.  Dru had to work, and he really wanted to try his hand at it!  I am so proud of well he did! It looked awesome!  And I have to add that he decorated it with 4 boys running around while Kristan and I picked up tables and chairs! 

 Blowing out my candles before they could melt the ice cream!

 I am a big fan of this picture also.  It's not very often there are more than one or two pictures of me. 

 Dru, Willy-tiki, and me.  I picked out this dress when Dru and I went birthday shopping.  She and I both loved it, and I knew it was perfect for this party!

 Swinging at the pinata!

 I truly love Willy!  He is so goofy.  And Jamie really brings some of that out sometimes.  Thanks for the laugh, guys!

 The cake table.  I also love the lemonade dispenser.  We will be using that often, I am sure.

 Some of the kiddos playing in the pool.

Cake and ice cream time! 

I received a card in the mail earlier in the week. It was addressed from a close family friend who has been amazing this past year.  There was a letter with it explaining in such a beautiful way that the card is truly from Lucas and Caleb.  Thank you! 

Also, during the party, there were numerous dragonflies hanging around us.  I knew they were with us the entire time.  And to top it off, after the few sprinkles we had, a rainbow appeared above us.  How amazingly special!  I feel great about what the 30's are going to bring us!!

Talking About...

Lucas and Caleb, Infant Death, Stillbirth, Healing, Grief

It's all different now.  Really, really different.  I still talk about my baby boys, but it's different.  I talk more about since they were born, or when they were born than I do the actual experience. Most days are good days now.  And on these days, their names innocently roll off my tongue without a second thought.  There is no lump in my throat, no tears trying to find their way out, but rather a smile on my face.

Twice in the past week I've talked to a distant acquantance.  When Lucas and Caleb have been brought up, they seemed more upset than I was feeling at the time.  Weird, really.  One friend was really desired to talk about them.  I really appreciate the sympathy, and the how she felt to talk about my Lucas and Caleb, I just felt a little weird.  Usually I am the one making people cry, but the words she shared with me brought tears to my eyes. The first tears I've cried for them in a couple weeks.

Life is quickly changing right now.  And my grief is changing once again right along with it.  And secretly I wonder  how my birthday will be this year.  Last year it was pretty cruddy with it being my 36 week mark, the point when Lucas and Caleb most likely would have been born.  I have thought very little about it this year, but the thought is there, without the anticipation.  Normally when I haven't anticipated emotional pain, I have suffered quite a bit.  Like on New Years Eve, that was a doozy!

I met a little girl (8 or9) today whose mother died a month ago.  I wanted to reach out and comfort her.  Tell her how much it all sucks and that one day she'll find a few pieces to this puzzle.  But I realized that even though I know alot about death and grief, I know squat about where she is at.  All I could do was think about how awful it would be for Colton and Ethan to lose me.  It broke my heart that she has to feel this intense pain at such a young age.  I hope she finds Lost and Found, or that I see her grandmother again to suggest the organization.  Afterall, I do remember the slight change in carried weight when someone shared with me, and offered to help.

Colton's Stitches

Caution: If you don't like blood, I wouldn't read any further. 



I know this is a few weeks late, but I still wanted to get it up.  Just a couple weeks after learning how to ride his bike without the training wheels, Colton took a spill and split his knee open.  He turned sharp on some of the loose blacktop in our driveway and over he went.  We had talked about avoiding that area, because mommy did something similar when she was a girl.  Anyway, I guess he forgot.
And as a true scrapbooker and blogger, I made sure to grab my camera on the way out the door.

 Before going to Urgent Care

 Watching the other boys play in the waiting room.  He really wanted to wheel around, but I wouldn't let him.  All I needed was a smash finger to go along with a split knee.  

 After it was cleaned and waiting for the dr to confirm how many stitches he was going to have put in.  Notice his bear, Winchester?  I also thought to grab him.  He also went in to surgery with Colton back in January.

 Four stitches and a HUGE fit later, Colton is put back together.  Mommy barely held it together when they were injecting the numbing meds.  Poor kid had super hero strength.

That night, it was looking pretty gross.  But within hours they were caught jumping off the couch. Seriously!

 11 days later waiting for the doctor to remove his stitches.  A much less eventul affair.

 The four stitches.

Colton's knee afterwards.  We rocked keeping it clean and it healed awesomely!!!  We soon went swimming to celebrate!

End of Summer Trip

Willy had a business trip to STL earlier this week for some training. We decided to tag along as a last trip before school starts.  We left Monday afternoon and headed to STL in the rain.  Glorious rain it was, by the way.

We always stay at Drury Inn at Union Station when we go up there.  We love the hotel, the food, and the location with all the trains!  After checking in, we headed up to the room for our routine settle-in.

 Colton learned he could do flips on the bed just like on a trampoline.  This boy is completely fearless!

 Both the boys enjoying bouncing on the bed.  Their beds are rather bouncey I am told!  hehe

 Michelle and her family came up to have dinner with us and swim.  I really love how our kids are such great friends even though they live 200 miles from each other.  It always warms my heart.  Thank you Michelle and Craig for bringing your kiddos up to play with mine.

 Swimming in the pool was fun.  The dads swam with the kids while Michelle and I sat on the side an caught up. 

And while Willy tossed Ethan in the air.  I know his head is cut off in the pic, but it shows the air he had.  Also....Colton is officially a swimmer!!!!  He swam from the deep end to the shallow end several times while we were there.  I am so proud of him.  It's been a HUGE summer for my first born.  And I really can't believe that two weeks from today he will start kindergarten. 

I will end with saying that this was the first time we'd been to this hotel since I was pregnant with Lucas and Caleb.  Last time we stayed here, I was 8 or so weeks pregnant and VERY carsick.  I was actually sick the entire time we were there, either in the bathroom or the bed.  We stayed two nights and it was pretty miserable.  I had no idea we were having twins at the time.  There were a few bittersweet moments this trip, but I think I really proved to myself how far in this grief journey I've traveled.

Friday Ramblings

This week has been an interesting one.  Ups and downs with a lack of motivation that just seemed to hang around.  I am sure that grief has changed it up on me once again.  I seem to have 5 or 6 bleh, grey days, then I am back on the up for 3 or 4 weeks.  I can handle this.  I am still perplexed though about one thing.  When I am feeling great, I can't seem to really grasp what it's like when I am low, and when I am low, I can't seem to grasp what it's like when I am rockin' it.  Grief is definitely an "in the moment" emotion.  Standing here, looking back, I can understand that part of it now.  And I think that is something I want to share with any mom who is just beginning this journey. 

We took the boys to Moonlight Madness at SDC last night. It was a last minute trip, as the weather was the nicest it's been in weeks.  (It's funny that 95 is considered nice)  It was really what I needed.  The family time together was something we've been missing this past week, and it was nice to reconnect.  I feel rejuvenated this morning and ready to conquer the world again! 

Colton's stitches were removed on Tuesday.  It's nice to have the freedom to swim again.  It was cruddy that he couldn't swim the 10 hottest and driest days of the summer.  But his knee healed really well and he is back on his bike.  I still plan on posting about it all with pictures, just need to get them loaded off my camera.

Well, I think that is about all for this week.  Two weeks from tomorrow I turn 30.  Up until Lucas and Caleb were born I was terrified of this milestone.  Now I am kind of looking forward to it.  It's the beginning of a new decade, a fresh beginning.  And I feel certain my 30's have some fabulous things in store for me.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

14 Months

Dear Baby Boys,

I am still counting the months.  Although the other day it crossed my mind that it has been 15, then I realized only 14 months since the two of you were born.  Today is probably the easiest first of the month that I've had, yet.  Though Colton wasn't here this morning for my hug and conversation that we usually have on the first. 

The two of you have been on mind the past couple days a little more.  I have thought about what we would be doing in all this heat with four boys in the house.  Or when I took Colton in for his stitches, I thought about how crazy it would have been if you two were there instead of James and Thomas.  There are first birthdays coming up within the church and it hits my heart that if all had gone right, we'd being trying to play party dates around each other. 

The month was pretty good.  The heat is really wearing on us all.  We can only do so much outside the house, especially when Colton isn't allowed to swim right now.  There have been some really good days, weeks, and then a few harder ones.  I still feel the shift I felt last month, only at times the two of you seem really far away now.  I feel like I am in a tug of war with time. 

August is going to be a busy and crazy and emotional month.  I have, in a way, dreaded this month since you were born.  Colton starts kindergarten, Ethan starts pre-school, and I have time by myself.  I was supposed to have two babies to still be caring for during the days.  Now it's just me, and I really have a hard time with it at moments. I hoping this is like all other grief related dates.  The anticipation is much worse than the actuality of it all.

To end on a happier note.  Daddy saw dragonflies all over the backyard on Saturday and told me it was so neat and wished I had been there to see it also.   And Ethan asked the other night at dinner how many babies were going to come out of my tummy.  I have to love that boy.  Even though we're not expecting another baby, he is looking to the future.  I also love how everytime Colton and Ethan go to Grandma's house, they always take your monkeys with them.  We all love and miss you, my sweet baby boys.

Mommy

P.S.  A few hours after writing this letter to you, I called Grandma to talk about some new PTA stuff.  She had me talk to Colton for a moment.  He gets on and says, "When I get home can we talk about Lucas and Caleb."  I truly am amazed by this boy.  He always knows.