Summer Days....already!

This weekend was crazy packed. This post is long with alot of pictures, but considering I took over 150, I think I narrowed it down pretty well. Saturday was 88 with a slight breeze. We took the boys to the park to do some creek fishing and play. I forgot my camera, so I didn't get a picture of the fish they caught. We then headed to Wal-Mart to get some last minute stuff and then home. We decided that since it was so incredibly warm, we would get out the slip-n-slide for them. Snickers is a fan also. I wasn't really sure how he would do with water, but it looks like he's gonna be a water puppy.

Colton speeding down and Snickers not expecting a splash.

Snickers wanting to join in on the fun. He chased the boys up and down the slip-n-slide. Or tried to, he's kind of faster than they are, so it was more like circles.

Ethan would run down the track and slide just before the pool at the end. It's been fun watching the boys grow into this summer toy. Each year they seem to get it more and more.

Where's Snickers?

Colton just about plowed down Ethan several times. They liked to use the same lane for some reason.

We had our 3rd Annual Easter Egg Hunt yesterday. We skipped last year since I was crazy pregnant with the twins and Colton's birthday was right after Easter. Holding this party did alot for me this year. It really made me feel like we were getting back to normal, doing normal things from before everything was turned around. Here's the table of snacks and such. I didn't realize until after I placed the grapes on the table that I also had a bowl of plastic grapes. Hence the note. And the special treat this year was the hidden treat rice krispie eggs. Willy and I had a great time putting those together.

The nearly 500 eggs we hid in the yard.

Ethan on the run. He passed up probably 50 eggs in the grass to get the one in the toy.

Thomas finding his second egg. The first one he picked up was one of the camoflauge eggs. Good eye, kiddo.

The Golden Egg. There was close to $8.00 in it this year. Way to go, Andrew!

Most of us watching the kids play. And me sporting a skirt by choice. The outfit, including shoes, cost $8.50!

After most everyone left, we decided to BBQ. The dad's headed outside to hang around the grill. I decided to send the 5 kiddos outside to play so the "women-folk" could have some quiet time. I had prepped everything earlier in the day so I didn't have to do it all after the party. Here is Ken and Thomas playing ball. And Brian pushing Riley on the tire swing in the background.

The kiddos eating.

The adults eating. And Baby Morgan quietly sitting in her bouncey seat. And check out the "redneck" table we were using. Someday we'll have a nice deck and patio set. And this picture will help us appreciate it more.

After dinner, the kids played some more. Colton gave rides in the wagon for almost an hour. The adults just sat and talked, and laughed. I tell you, Willy and I are so blessed to have such wonderful friends, more like family. I am sure last night was just a glimpse to our summer. I cannot express the amount of fun we have with these two families. They are the kind of friends where good-byes last an hour or more, the kids play til we leave (no matter the hour), and we laugh until it hurts.

A Little Tardy

So two weeks ago was spring break. We decided to head to Silver Dollar City with the Gipson family on Thursday. Incidentally it was also the coolest day of the week. We figured with upper 40's that the crowd would be small, anyway. We were wrong, and it did warm a little above 50. The boys haven't been there in since December of 09. Baby Morgan and her beautifully bright smile. Who could spend 15 minutes with her and not want to have a baby? She was so good the entire day.

Willy and Brian waiting for the ride to start. The little ones wanted the daddies to ride with them. This is the frog ride, it goes around and the cars bounce....

or they are supposed to. They had to ask Willy to get off. Apparently when you put two grown men on the same side in itty bitty cars, the ride won't work. I truly love my husband. He just laughed it off with everyone else.

The froggie ride working and everyone having a great time.

Brothers. It was only a few months ago when they refused to hold hands. Now they do it all the time. So bittersweet.

This is the sprayer for the Huck Finn ride. The guests get to spray the people who are riding in the raft. Look at the meniachal smile on Colton's face.....just before he learned they also had water cannons.

This is a fried potato on a stick! Smelled fabulous!!!! $5 for 2000 calories!

Enjoying the swings. I have always loved this ride. And I really enjoy riding with my boys just as my mom rode with us girls when we were younger.

The day was so much fun. We were disappointed that we didn't get to ride more rides, but the lines were crazy long and there just wasn't enough time in the day. Brian and I did ride this red spinning saucer thing, though. That was absolutely spectacular! I can't wait for Colton to grow another INCH then he can enjoy the really cool stuff!

I'll wrap this up with Colton having pink eye and bronchitis just as school let back in. The kiddo got a 12 day long spring break. But he felt pretty icky for a few days. A side note: When they ask you to pay $86 or so for eyedrops, make the call to the dr's office for cheaper ones. They can prescribe them. We ended up paying only $10.36 after a few phone calls.

10 Months

Dear Caleb and Lucas,

Happy 10 months baby boys! Oh what a month it has been. The first three weeks were pretty amazing. I felt great (minus the cough). I had lots of energy, light, and spirit. I felt like I was floating, not sulking. It was great and I was really thinking I had turned a big corner. We also added a puppy to the family, Snickers. He is such great dog and really adds some life around here. Not that there is really ever a dull moment.

Then this week arrived. I have cried EVERYDAY for the two of you. Everything has brought the hole that is left to light. Thoughts that normally don't cross my mind, or bring about tears left me crying and heaving (and of course coughing). Like yesterday when I saw a mom drop off her child in Colton's classroom. She turned around with this pretty baby belly and my immediate thought was, "That was me this time last spring." I miss the two of you. I miss everything our family of 6 was going to be. The crazy spring and summer this was supposed to be with four, five and under, two of which would be crawling and pulling up, and pulling things down.

It's been a tough week. And I know that the weeks ahead are going to pose their own challenges. May is going to suck, big time. I've thought alot about celebrating your birthday. A day that is celebrated in middle of two days of the anniversaries of your departures. We're going to make you cupcakes, send you balloons, and donate some memory boxes to the hospital. I really want to use that day as a day to celebrate the two of you. Even though you aren't physically here, you always are in spirit. And celebrate all the amazing things your presence in my life the two of you have done.

We love you, babies. Daddy even shared that some with Colton a few weeks ago when Colton was crying for the two of you. That poor boys heart is so big and breaks so hard. He told me the other night that he misses reading to the two of you. Talk about a hard cry. He then asked for another baby brother or sister (he prefers a sister) to read to. He also knows my heart.

Love you always,

Mommy

Really Losing It

*Whine warning: This post contains alot of complaining*

I give up. I thought Monday was the day of grief for me. Boy was I ever wrong. So here's all of it.

I have had a cough for going on FOUR weeks now. And it's not just a little cough, we're talking cough so hard you might (and have) throw up. And since I've vaginally delivered two babies, I tend to wet some when I get to coughing hard enough. Last weekend the drainage started. So now my nose is raw and I am coughing, trying to get up what just won't come up. I have triend EVERYTHING under the sun and nothing really works. I have an appt at 1:30 today and will hopefully be on the up. This has really been wearing me down.

Colton has pink eye, in both eyes. Last week was spring break, and with the pink eye, he couldn't go back to school yesterday. Plus, we couldn't really go anywhere for them to play. The boys need a break from each other and I really need to get back into some kind of routine. They are getting along for the most part, but cabin fever is starting to set in. And I honestly am so tired about being told to cough into my elbow. 29+ years of coughing in my hand is a hard habit to break. I love that Colton is so aware about spreading germs, but in my current state, I am frustrated.

A good friend lost her husband on Sunday. She has twin 2 year old boys and a 1 year old baby girl. Say a prayer for her and her babes. Grief is grief and it really sucks and is hard to do. She has some really hard days, months, years ahead of her.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Rhonda's baby girls' births and departure. She is such an amazing person and I truly hate that she has had to go through this, also. This has hit me hard. And I feel selfish that I'm having a hard time. But it really hits home how close to that one year we are. It hurts.

Oh, and let's not forget that Mediacom SUCKS butt!!! My phone connection is intermittent. My phone calls are often disconnected and I'll lose service for 5-10 minutes. They've been out here numerous times, sent out linemen, and yet there are still problems. Just the cherry on top today!

And there is more to all this AHHHH, but I really need to stop here. My chest hurts and I need to get some things taken care of before my appt later. Willy is going to come home later to watch the boys. I might take an extra half hour or so for me on the way home. I know that things will get better. But for right now it's pretty dark around here. I truly hate grief and all it has brought to my family. I hate who it turns me into when it's the heaviest.

Update: I have an "intense case of bronchitis" Should be feeling better by tomorrow and the cough will go away in a couple weeks.

Rough Rambles

Dear Grief,

You're here. I can't welcome you back, because you really haven't been missed. Maybe on some sort of sick level, where the guilt of not having you around, you have been missed. But all in all, I could do without you in my life. Or my family's for that matter. But since you are around, sit, have a drink or two. Bring the fresh tears that always seem to cleanse my heart. That leave me exhausted, yet ready to pick it all up and start over again. At least you don't just "pop" in anymore, you always ring first to let me know you are on your way. I have actually embraced our visit this time. It has given me some light on areas that were dark. Now it's time to think about leaving for awhile. One day of your presence is enough for me. I have children to love and attend to, friends and family who need me, and a life that I enjoy most days. I truly hope to wake tomorrow to find your footsteps leading away from me.

So craziness aside, I am beginning to feel better. I've been waiting for today. There are so many, many events that have brought all this on. I am grateful for taking the day off. My boys are still in their pajamas, I am in a sweatshirt that I haven't worn in 8+ weeks, and I've been honest with those who have asked in on me. I am tired, worn out and worn down.

I hate days like today. I feel selfish during these days. I feel like my time in this "world of grief" should be nearing the end. No one has said it, and I know other BLM's feel it also. And I don't honestly believe that is how it works. It's just a thought that pops in and out.

I'm tired now. Writing has brought on more tears. This whole post feels crazy. But it's thoughts that needed to be out, maybe shared. Sorry about the choppiness, that is kind of how my mind is working today. Bits and pieces, here and there. I can't stick with a thought longer than just a few minutes. It's kind of familiar, a lot like fresh grief.

Whew!

Grief Always Finds Me

(Dana N. the details of the dream below might be hard for you. Just wanted to give you a head's up)

I've been doing GREAT lately. Like really, really good. It's been two weeks since I have cried for my Lucas and Caleb. The last I remember crying for them was when I was sharing part of my testimony to my bible study group. I have felt this calm, this peacefulness, that I had forgotten existed. And I was thinking yesterday how great this seems to be. I know that next week is 10 months, and in 10 weeks is one year. WOW!!!

Then last night I dreamed. The dream was scary. I was at the OB's office with Willy, the boys, and Willy's parents. We announced to them there that I was expecting again. I went in for an ultrasound and Dr. L. asked me how far along I was. I answered with 20-21 weeks. She then asked me to remove my clothes. I thought it was weird, but obliged. She then reached down and pulled the baby out. No warning, nothing! The baby had bands around it's limbs and torso. It's fingers were only little stubs, and the face not really formed yet. I was devastated. I wondered how I was going to tell everyone we had lost another baby. Dr. L. didn't really say anything other than I'm sorry.

This dream has kind of stuck with me through the day. The image of the baby is plastered to my mind. I'm not sure what has brought this on. I am sure grief is missing me. And me going off birth control soon (no we aren't TTC, just having problems) probably adds to it. But I feel a little lost all of a sudden. I like how I fabulous I feel, but the guilt of doing so well is starting to creep in. Go figure. And then there is the knowledge that this greatness just can last.

Our Weekend

What a weekend! We started off Saturday morning with a birthday party. The boys really had a good time and left with balloons. Then mommy let them escape from the van. We had to go get new balloons. Normally I'm not one of those moms who needs to replace stuff like that, but it was my fault and a balloon to a child is their world.
http://comedians.jokes.com/brian-regan/videos/brian-regan---joke

Then it started to storm Saturday evening....

I took Snickers out on the front porch to potty. Keep in mind, this puppy doesn't go very far from us when we are outside....he stays within 4 or 5 feet. When something "scares" him, he runs back to us and sits at our feet. Well, not this time. He took off. I don't mean just simply started to run. He vanished. He was running so fast, he ran past Willy and Mike and they never saw him. We proceeded to walk through the mud and rain for the next hour calling for him. Dru and I went out in the truck for another hour. Then Mike and Dru took out for another half hour after dropping me back at home.

The next morning the boys and I went out for 45 minutes before heading to church, and still no Snickers. We had our number out to various people who were out walking, Mike called it in to cracker barrel (a Sunday morning "talk" show), and we had called in to the microchip company.

Sunday evening around 9:15, 24Petwatch called with a guy on the other line. He had found our puppy. He was only 3 blocks south of us and I was on my way. Other than smelling like wet dog and dirt, he was okay. We are now back to housetraining. And he seems to have found his spot in our family well. I cannot express my gratitude for the man who called the number on Snickers' tag. Losing Snickers was scary and heartbreaking.

We also had a Rockband birthday party for Willy on Sunday. Since we have pinatas at our kids' parties, Willy felt he wanted one also.

Willy posing like a garden gnome. I love him!

The kiddos eating and watching a movie in the playroom.

Here is some of the rockstar action we had going on. I love how much fun we all have with these games. We have some amazing friends and we always just have a blast meow when we get together. The time flys by quickly and it's usually pretty late, but that is part of the fun.