Worth the Wait

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though (s)he thinks you are slightly cracked." Bernard Meltzer

How true, how true.

Back in June, after Lucas and Caleb were born, I found the TTTS Foundation facebook page and scrolled down for what seemed like forever for someone who had also recently lost their twins. I found Rhonda! I sent her a message, reaching out for support. Three days later, she sent me so much love and support, I just knew she would be the one to help pull me through this. Rhonda lost her girls, Zoe and Anna on March 29th. She is only two months ahead of me on this journey and she's been where I am, and is where I am going.

We talked about a week later on the phone for over 2 hours. Those first conversations were 90% about our lost babies. We would just cry together on the phone. Then our conversations were more about our surviving children, our husbands, and everyday stuff. Now we have many phone conversations where we don't even mention our babies. And that is good.

Rhonda lives in CO, 14 hours from Springfield. She has family in KS and we have discussed meeting each other one day when she comes to visit. Kansas City is only 3 hours from here. Well, her September trip fell through, but she planned one for January. I cleared my calendar for this past weekend and planned to go up and meet her.

And it was AMAZING! I felt like I was in college again, hanging out with a long lost sister. There really aren't enough words to describe the time I had up there.

We shopped all day. We would try on shirts, put most back, pick out more, then buy some here and there. We hit up some fabulous boutiques in Overland Park. She brought out a fun side of me that has been hiding for some time. I felt carefree and really happy. Let's not forget these fantabulous cupcakes full of chocolaty goodness! And we ate at this superb topas restaurant....at 9:30! It was just great. Although I still feel bad for pooping out after dinner and deciding it was best if we went back to the apartment instead of going dancing. But check out this outfit...
We looked crazy HOT!

Even though I hate that we both lost our precious twins, I am ever so grateful to have this wonderful woman in my life. She is one who truly knows how I feel and offers great advice in the many different and difficult decisions I have to make on this journey. When I found her, I wanted to find someone who, even though missed her babies dearly, still concentrated on the awesome family she still had and was able to embrace it all. She is truly beautiful inside and out.

And this trip was worth waiting 7 months for. I can't wait to see her again and to get our kiddos together next time.

Fun Friday

Today was GORGEOUS!!!! It was 65 and sunny with barely a breeze. I loved it! And the boys loved it! After picking Colton up from school, we headed to the park. This weather called for outdoor time, and naptime could wait. Colton bee-lined for the spinny-seat-thingy. I love this thing!!

And Ethan just ran! This boy is fast and crazy.

I love how in a large playground with tons of kids, my two always make time to play together. They truly are the best of friends!

Oh, and Ethan got his hair cut today. I was warned last night that his Daddy might take him while I am gone to Kansas City and have it done, himself. Since that really isn't a good thing, we made it a date. Haircut and lunch at Maria's. And even when he is making his goofy faces, he is quite handsome and adorable.

My boys are climbers. They have absolutely no fear of heights! I am just happy they have a height limit when it comes to jumping....I think.

After getting the car washed and naps, we headed to Chuck E. Cheese (aka House of Mouse). We wanted to have a fun family night since I'll be gone all weekend. I am sure the boys'll have fun without Mommy, though.

This place is so much more fun now that they can really play the games. Colton will be my hunter for sure.

And Ethan probably won't play basketball. He's built more for football and plowing through people.

All in all it was an amazing day!

I will catch up with Project EPL next week. I have it written, just not typed here yet. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Losing Colton's Tooth

Colton lost his first tooth! The first in is the first out!
Willy went in to get him from his classroom yesterday. As soon as I saw him, I noticed it was gone.

And no one else had nocticed. We had no idea it was loose. I was suddenly worried that maybe he had fallen and knocked it out, so I went up and talked to his teachers. Neither one of them was aware he had lost it and suggested that he lost it while eating his lunch....consequently swallowing it.
And this is what I found in his lunchbox when we got home. I tore this sandwhich apart looking for the tooth. But it's gone.

I am really bummed about it being gone. I mean, the first tooth is definitely something that most moms want to hang onto. Colton has reassured me that he will poop it out, though. And even asked if I am going to go tooth hunting.....Ummmmm, no.

We called grandparents to let them know. And Grandma came by to see the "surprise" Colton had for her. And since she didn't have any cookies in her purse, she decided this occassion called for a special treat.

A choice of treats from the gas station across the street. Lots of gummies and nuts. Just what he needs to bring out the "wriggler".

We wrote a note to the tooth fairy explaining he swallowed his tooth. (side note: I asked him what he wanted me to write and at the end he added, "I miss Lucas and Caleb." They are always on his heart.)

The tooth fairy must think the first tooth is a big deal, she left $5.00!!!!!

I can't believe how big Colton is getting. I was just getting used to the idea of him having his kindergarten screening this morning, then his tooth falls out. I am just really not sure I am ready for this big boy. Oh, and he did SUPER on his screening. Llook out kindergarten, here comes Colton!

Rainbows are in Bloom and a little on faith

WOW!!! I know what many of you were doing through the holidays!!!! Hehe! There have been an insane number of pregnancy announcements over the past week. Plus a few birth announcements. And I am excited for each and every one of you! For many of you, you are expecting your first Earth Baby(ies). Yes, one is expecting twins. And although it was difficult the first couple of days, I am truly thrilled for her and her husband. They have been through so much losing their first daughter and battling infertility, that this is truly a blessing for them. And I won't forget Bailey's mom and dad who are beginning their adoption journey!

So, I am in the process of moving several blogs to the left side of the page. Pretty soon there will be more over there than on the right. And that's a really great thing. For those of you who have lost recently, these blogs, these women give us all hope. Hope for future rainbows, hope for brighter days, and hope for our new normal. I love how all these women have continued to blog through their journeys and I look forward to the same.

On a different note, yesterday morning was a tough one for me. It started out pretty good, then at church, I broke. More like shattered, really. It seems like I do a lot of crying there lately. But it's a very safe place to cry. And here is the verse that brought on the tears. It is David's response when he is asked why he is acting as he is after learning his son has passed.

"Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (II Samuel 12:22)

When B shared this in telling her testimony, it hit me especially hard. I know I am not the only one who has spent numerous hours and days wanting my baby boys back. But upon hearing this, it really made sense. I need to quit wishing them back and concentrate on making sure I will see them again. They will be there waiting for me. We will all be reunited as a family one day. And I will have the chance to raise them, and be the mommy to twin boys. I cannot tell you the peace I now feel.

There are so many at Life Fellowship that I want to thank for their prayers, words, hugs, and tears. I know my grief is not just mine. It feels as though with each prayer, each hug, each kind word, and each tear, that you take a piece of my grief and carry it for me for awhile. So many thanks to all of you!

So I feel as though I am surfacing from my rut. I've been reminded of what my goals should be, and how I should re-prioritize. There are times when, through my grief, I put on blinders and forget these things. It's easy to get all wound up in missing what I've lost. But my job here is far from done. And there are great and amazing things in my future. And I know that no matter how bad I want something, that it may not be the right time. And I have to put all my trust in that.

One Year ago, the journey began...

Well, even though I refused to look at a calendar, I still know what today is. A year ago this morning we learned we were expecting. TTC had been a rollercoaster since my cycle was crazy out of whack.

I had been sick for two nights. VERY SICK! I had spent more time in front of the toilet than on the couch. I had called a friend, Danielle, who brought me tons of supplies to get better at 1:30am. And when she dropped them off, she asked if I had a pregnancy test. I told her yes. She said to take it in the morning. I did and here it is.

I'm feeling a little sad today. Not as sad as I will feel as other upcoming dates approach. Just wish this all would have ended differently.

Snow Fun

We woke up this morning to beautiful whiteness. I love it!!!! Most of you know my intense love affair with snow. And it seems although it's been passed on to my children. Yay for that! As soon as they saw it it was wild in my house. Jumping, yelling, running, literally bouncing off the walls. And the best part, Colton is recovered and we can play in it!


So we have and will some more.

Colton threw the first snowball...

...at Ethan
The slide was next on their agenda

Ethan cleared a path for Colton

Me all bundled up. I take the cold seriously. And the more you put on, the longer you can stay out and play in it.

There is nothing better than a house with snow in it.

But trying to ride bikes in the snow is a little difficult.

More snowball fun. Colton had Willy making the snowballs for him. Apparently they were on the same team.

Then Colton saw it was more fun for him and Ethan to gang up on Daddy.

And here are my beautiful snow angels. Thinking of Lucas and Caleb quite a bit, I am sure they have enjoyed watching us play in the beautiful snow they sent.

After making our way inside through the de-snow stations, it was time for hot chocolate and marshmallows.

And here is a video of the first snow casualty. There were miraculously no tears, just a really bloody nose. We stopped the bleeding, but it isn't taking much to start back up. Poor kiddo.

Filing Our Taxes

We filed our taxes tonight. It's one of the last things that we have to do to wrap up the year of tears. I know I've talked before how frustrated I felt that Lucas and Caleb were treated so differently by all the state and federal laws. Such as Lucas not receiving a birth certificate or SSN. How that even though he was born, he wasn't to "them". But what can you do? I know many others have had it harder.

Well, since Caleb was with us for a short (too short) time, he did receive a social security number, allowing us to claim him as a dependent this year. The first time I thought about it, I thought, "How morbid!" But when you think about it, it's something. And claiming him will help pay the hospital bills. You know the ones you have to pay to deliver a baby(ies) that didn't get to come home with you.

So we get on the website, check the "Lifestyle changes" boxes which included: have a new baby and loss of a loved one. We click okay and see this:

How nice it must be to be able to assume that just because you deliver a baby, it's a happy occasion.

I know this sounds doom and gloom. I am really doing really well, and only teared up once through the whole process tonight. That one time would be when Willy pulled out "the envelope" to get Caleb's SSN. I left the room as I have yet to glance at the contents. Next year, I will leave the room when we have to change our dependent info....maybe there will be a gift to make it a little more gentle.

Oh, and to end on a chuckle (morbid sense of humor alert)...At the end of filing they wanted us to fill out a survey with an open spot for additional comments at the bottom. My first thought was, "Thank you for celebrating my dead babies." Willy and I laughed at each other and he typed something more like how it was really easy to use and such.