A Good Week

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! I love this holiday! It is the only day we get to have corned beef and Willy doesn't groan too much. We can all wear green and people don't laugh at us for matching. And this year it's a little more. Shamrocks (4 leaf clovers) are said to be good luck. Leprechauns hang out at the end of rainbows. Rainbows and good luck....that will make many of us smile.

It's been a pretty good week thus far. Having a puppy around keeps me busy. The whippet part of him keeps him close, under my feet or on my lap. Much like a 1 year old. House training is going pretty well. And every time I look into those beautiful brown eyes, my heart just melts.

I registered Colton for Kindergarten yesterday. Talk about an emotional morning. I really can't believe he is going to be that big. I suddenly felt like I didn't have enough time left with him at home.


Thought I would share this picture. These boys are the best of friends. They are my reason for waking up on the hard days. They make me laugh every day, and just warm my heart. I am so grateful to be blessed with the two of them. I honeslty don't know what I would do without them. (I know their pants look super short, I promise I don't let them wear high-waters, they were just sitting funny.)

I found this today at Hobby Lobby. I have been looking for something springy to symbolize the twins. I feel with this new season, they need something new also. I don't know where it will hang yet, but I am really thinking about Colton and Ethan's room. Colton is still having some hard evenings and I think if there was something like this in there, it might help a little. Plus, the message is a good one to remember.

Meet Snickers

This is our newest family member, Snickers. He is 4 months old and is a sheltie/whippet mix...aka Shippet. He comes from the Humane Society and was the last of his litter to be adopted.

He loves to watch tv.

And chew on his "baby."

He's a huge fan of Colton

And naps once in awhile....all on my couch.

He had taken over my couch. Although as of right now he is perched on my lap. He doesn't like being in a room alone just yet. He really likes soft, fluffy things. I even caught him in a basket of clean laundry while I was changing over laundry. He's a great puppy, and we all are completely in love with him already.

I am so excited to have this little guy. However, I wonder how spoiled he will be. He does add light to my heart. The hole left by losing my two babies feels a tiny bit (tiny, tiny bit) smaller. And for now, my intense desire to have another baby has been watered down slightly. More like I am able to be a little more patient in my waiting.

Missing Grandpa

This morning, a year ago, we received the call that my grandpa had passed away. It was one of those moments you always consider, but never want to imagine. He'd been on a health roller coaster since October. He was in the hospital for possible stroke and other health issues. They sent him home on hospice. In February he was doing so well they took him off hospice. The whole family was together on Valentine's Day of 2010 to celebrate him.

Grandpa was one I always looked up to. I wanted to make him proud. And my grandparents are the example I live up to for my marriage. They'd been married for 57 years when he passed, only 4 weeks before his 97th birthday. I remember thinking he would live to see 120.

I look at his passing now differently than I did when we first lost him. And it was soon after I lost the twins that I pictured him rocking them in his rocking chair. I also have memory of a brief moment at his service, picturing a similar scene. It was the smallest of moments.


My grandparents in 2006 at my wedding rehearsal. They showed the definition of love.

Grandpa holding Ethan Easter of 2008. I took this picture wanting to capture all the moments I could. I also have a video, but can't find it anywhere.

All the grandkids and great-grandkids (okay maybe half)

Grandpa serving up his rum punch. He is the best at making it.

My grandparents with me on my wedding day in 2006

I love and miss you, grandpa. Kiss my babies for me, please.

PS I wrote this Thursday night so I could post it first thing. But Friday is the one year anniversary, please nevermind the date stamp at the top

Some ramblings

The past few days have been rather iffy. The clouds have beat out the sun and my tears have won over my blinks. I feel like I am on a teeter totter with my emotions. UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN. And Willy asks me all the time right now if I am okay. I tell him, "Yeah, I guess." And for the most part I am just that, okay.

I am sure all this is a mixture of things. The fact that I am quickly coming up on Lucas and Caleb's birthday, I am remembering the excitement from this time last year and wishing they were here. These days wouldn't hold the weight they do if my babies were here. The self-torture I put myself through reading the blog of a mom who has both her identical twin boys at home with her. I am happy for her family, her boys had a hard fight....and they won. I read about how blessed she feels, and I again, as I do often, what have I done to be walking down the other road. I have now vowed to no longer torture myself with knowing how they are doing. They are good and at home, that is what I prayed for for them. Now it's time for me to let go and spare my emotional well-being.

I am also doing a Bible Study on The Book of Ruth. I could probably write on this forever. The morning coffee dates with the Lord have been good for me. The pain comes from all the personal reflections. Each and every one brings me back to losing Lucas and Caleb. Most the time I am offered clarity, and I am grateful. I am reminded, though, how defining their short lives really are. And I am being forced to confront thoughts that used to be just fleeting. Thoughts and feelings that would rush in, and I would push away just as quickly. I didn't want to entertain them. Now that I have to, it's hard, but it's also freeing in a way. I am glad I've taken the oppurtunity to do this bible study. And I am kind of hooked, okay completely hooked.

And to be honest, I am battling my emotions about my sister's pregnancy. She is close to eight weeks, and most days I am over the top thrilled for her. She has had early losses, and really wants this baby. But there are a few days when I just don't want to think about it. Not that I'm not happy for her on those days, but that I'd rather not visit that place. And I feel bad about feeling that way once in awhile. She looks up to me, as a sister and a mom. I love being able to be there for her, I just wish my heart was always in it, not just 6 out of 7 days in the week.

So, after spilling all this out, I feel lighter and the sun is in full shine. I also would like to ask for prayers for my grandma. Tomorrow is the one day anniversary of my grandfather's passing. She is also preparing to start chemo for colon cancer next week. It's a hard month for her and she could use all the thoughts and prayers you are all so generous with.

Fabulous Weekend

We went up to Washington to visit family and friends this past weekend. The trip was wonderful and jam-packed. We saw lots of people and had loads of fun. It was a much needed time to get away for awhile.

On Friday night, I met up with a high school friend, Chad. If you haven't read this post about his special gift to me from Austraila, check it out here. This is the sand from Mulaloo Beach, where Lucas and Caleb's names were written by the talented Carly. If you missed the pictures, check them out. Chad called me close to 11pm and we decided to meet at The Landing a little after 11. Seeing him for the first time in ten years was wonderful. Trying to catch up in an hour in a bar, a little harder. But we did it. And he handed me a bottle sand that has traveled through customs in 14 different countries. He also found on the beach that day three sandstones in a group. A large on and two smaller ones. Be still my heart.

To read more about his trip, here is an article a local paper did.

On Saturday we took the boys to The Mills mall. We were looking for something to do inside that wouldn't be PACKED!

This play area is to die for. I truly wish our mall had one of these. My boys are quickly outgrowing ours. The only downside is the difference in the kids up there. They weren't as friendly. Honestly. Ethan came over crying saying that no one wanted to be his friend. And he was right. All the kids seem to do their own thing and felt no need to play with each other.

Here is the other really cool thing. They had a train for the kids to ride on. It's big enough for parents, but we though the boys were old enough to ride by themselves around the play area. Plus is was $3 a person. So we watched it take off, and it didn't go around....it went down a hallway. We were sure it would turn and come back down to us....wrong! I had to chase the train down in my 2.5" boots so my boys would be in my sight. Then they laughed at me for powerwalking to keep up. What an adventure.

Colton got to drive his first go-cart.

And climb his first tall rock wall.

Then we had pizza at Fortell's. Amazingly cheesy pizza!

Saturday night we met up with my best friend from high school, Michelle and her family at their place. The kids played til 11:30 and we visited. I love that even though we are 200 miles apart, our kids are still growing up together.

Sunday was also nice visiting with my mom and sisters and Gary. Colton played the Konnect some, but I'm not impressed with it. Then lunch with my Aunt and cousin, and off towards home with a pitstop at Mike and Dru's for dinner.

The weekend was really busy and my boys are still sleeping past 8, trying to get caught up on sleep. I'm feeling pretty good and really productive in my many aspects of my life right now. Just hope I can keep it that way.

Sweet Dreaming

I have little time this morning, but wanted to get it down before I forgot, as I've forgotten alot of it already.

I dreamed of Lucas and Caleb last night. They were about 6 months old and sleeping in the bunkbeds. Lucas on top and Caleb on bottom. Lucas had been up for awhile and I went to check on Caleb as he'd been sleeping for quite awhile. When I went in, his body was cold and he was pale (much like when he was in my arms in the hospital) I started to sob and said, "Oh, Caleb." Then he opened his beautiful blue eyes and grinned at me (Ethan's grin by the way). I picked him up and held him so tightly, he nuzzled my shoulder and cheek. I then dressed both boys in their matching outfits. Willy walked up and I told him how Caleb had been cold and he told me that it was normal, "didn't I remember." That it was part of the TTTS effects and that he would grow out of it. And I had both babies in my arms, cooing and grinnng.

I wish I had more time to dig into this dream, I don't. But I plan on trying to after the weekend.

9 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Today is more like, "It's only been 9 months." instead of , "I can't believe it's already been 9 months." Several times last night and today I have thought it's been 10 months. I guess I'm feeling distant from the two of you. Not really sure what is bringing the change, and I really don't know how I feel about it.

Colton woke up this morning wanting to talk about the two of you. Of course we talked, and I cried. He knows the 1st of every month. Your brother is very insightful, and he almost always knows my heart. Ethan just sits and kind of listens when we talk about you. Both boys play with your monkeys often. It really warms my heart to see their love for you. Only wish it were you physically.

This month has been a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. I feel frustrated with it at times. I seem very suseptible to cloudy days. And we've had a number of them lately.

There's not a whole lot more to say today. I am missing you very much. I am ready to go back to more good days than bad. But I fear it may be like this until your birthday.

We love you so much, my babies.