What-If Wednesday

I am going to start something fun on here.  What-if Wednesdays!  Every couple of Wednesdays, I'll start a What-If post where I will post What if I was a ________.  Then I will write about why I think that and so on.  I am sure many of them will relate to how I have changed since the twins were born, and others may not.  I will also put Mr. Linky at the bottom of the post so you can participate on your blog.  When you write your post, title it with What-If and the answer.  So the title if the item was flower, and your answer was rose you would put.  What If: Rose.  I ask that you please link that week's original post (here) in your first paragraph so others know how to add their posts also.  After you write your post, you can come and add your name and link to Mr. Linky at the bottom.  Your blog will then appear at the bottom.  You don't have to be a BLM to participate, anyone can.  And if you don't have a blog and want to join in the fun, you are more than welcome to add your response as a comment.
I really think this will be fun, and a great way to get to know some of my readers better. 

This weeks item is INSTRUMENT.

If I were an instrument I would be the cymbals.  Cymbals really never blend into the band.  You always know where they are and even if they are present.  Since Lucas and Caleb were born, I really haven't blended into a crowd or group of people.  I smile, talk, and laugh often.  I love being around a lot of people and really don't feel the need to just be a part of the background.  I used to stand back a little and watch what was going on around me, but now I am very much part of the action.  I am often told anymore that it is noticed when I am in a room of people. I think that is kind of fun, and definitely different from how I used to be.

Another way I am like a cymbal is that I tend to go  "CRASH!"

Independence Day 2011

This Fourth of July was so much better than last.  We were just a month out from Lucas and Caleb's birthday, exactly a month and a day from when we left the hospital with only their memory boxes in our arms.  It was a hard day.  Willy and I argued over something stupid and there were alot of raw feelings.

I was determined for it to be different this year, and it was.  We started off the morning with the Marshfield parade.  We go every year (minus last year), and always enjoy it.  Well, look who was waiting for us in our usual spot.

I know you can't really tell, but this dragonfly was bigger than my hand!   He was just resting on the street right where we always sit.  Pretty cool way to start off our holiday.

We walked around to check out the booths, then settled down to wait for the parade to start.  Colton and Ethan were smat and sat in the shade with Grandma and Grandpa...and the snacks.

Here's the four of us before the parade started. 

 

Have to love EVERYTHING about this little guy. 

And this big kindergartner.  Ahhhh, kindergarten is less than 8 weeks away!!! 

 We hit up Pizza Hut after the parade for lunch.  The boys finished before Mommy.  Such as always is the case at a buffet.

We went home to put Colton, Ethan, and Willy down for nap.  I knew we'd be up late, and Willy never passes up a chance to nap.  hehe  Then we headed up to Peter and Anissa's house for friends and fireworks.  We had a great time!  We met some new friends and played hard.

At one point, Anissa and I were talking about scrapbooking, and somehow began talking about Lucas and Caleb and where I'm at emotionally with it right now.  I don't really know her very well.  We go to church together, and I know how wonderful she is through Kristan, but that is about it.  It was a great conversation, and it was wonderful to share about my precious baby boys.  Shortly after I realized that another family was there that had two sons and a daughter.  Their sons' names were Lucas and Caleb.  Honestly, I was okay.  I was more in awe of the fact than anything.  And I wondered if she knew, if Anissa had ever said anything to her.

Shortly before dark, we started with the kids firecrackers.  Oh the fun they had!

 A bunch of boys running from a racecar.

 Everyone watching the tanks "fighting".  The little boys were chanting at it.  By the way, Colton is on the right in the red shirt.  This is the first time he has really hung out with older boys (by a year or two or so), and it really hit me how big he is getting.  Although seeing him shorter than them threw me off a little, my son is getting older.

 Watching to see what's going off next.

 Even the adults enjoy sparklers.  They really were too short for the kids.  The big boys got to play with their fireworks after dark.  Along with the rest the neighbors.  The sky was alight for over an hour.  I also should mention here the amazing lightening storm in the clouds .

 I must say, nights like last night are ones that I used to dream of when I was a little girl.  A bunch of family and friends together, celebrating life together.  I cannot, in any way, describe how it all felt.  I felt good, really good. 

 James, Colton, and Ethan all watching the fireworks.

I really can't help but think this morning, that there are two little boys physically missing from this picture.  But they were with us, in our hearts, throughout the day.  And this picture is perfect.

Check-up and Fireworks

Yesterday was my check-up at my ob's office.  I was there a year ago to make sure my c-section scar was healing okay.  It was the appt. when she told me we had a to wait six months before trying to conceive, again.  I was devastated at the time.  I didn't want to wait that long.  As I left I made the appt for July 1, 2011.  I was certain I wouldn't keep it, because I would be back, pregnant, before that.  Well, I made it, not pregnant.  I hadn't really thought about what it would be like, going back to the office, with no baby in my belly. 

The visit was good.  I know, weird, right?  I mean, I definitely feel that there should be in big, bold, bright letters on the top of any BLM's chart that we lost a baby(ies).  Even though my nurse and doctor are always the same, there are still new ones hanging around, who have NO idea!  I was disappointed when W, my nurse, didn't call my name back.  The nurse introduced herself ( I didn't catch her name) and said she was shadowing W and Dr. L. for the time.  Then she promptly asks how many kids I have, how my c-section was, and so on.  Seriously???  Because I am pretty sure it says somewhere on my chart, not too far from the top, my entire ob history.  And these questions made it hard to swallow back the anxiety I was already feeling.  I didn't want W or Dr. L to walk in, see tears in my eyes and think that I was still having an incredibly hard time.  I am not, I am doing great, and I wanted them to see that part of me.

W came in a few minutes later and she gave me a hug, we talked about her kids and mine.  She said I looked wonderful and gave me a big hug.  It was a fun reunion. She then said she was really excited to see my name on the schedule this morning.  Before leaving, she asked if I was going to have more babies, "because I want you to have more babies."  haha.  We talked about that some and she grinned.  Dr. L then came in and also shared her excitement about seeing my name on the schedule for today.  We talked some more and she also told me I looked great.

When I was ready to leave, both W and Dr. L gave me big hugs and surrounded me with such love.  I had a total ego boost while I was there and left knowing how amazing these two women are.  It makes it easier to be back there when you have a nurse and doctor like the two of them.  I was also reminded how grateful I am to have been downstairs, in labor and delivery when all the bad news was given.  I was able to walk past the U/S rooms without sharps pangs to my heart, and I didn't have to worry about which room they put me in.  That all can wait until later, and I am sure Rooms 12 and 15 in L&D will already be being used when it's my turn.

We went to the Republic's firework display last night.  We started out with the Gipsons and dinner at their house.  It was CRAZY HOT outside, so it was nice to sit and visit with them in the A/C, while the kids played.  Willly and I also got to soak up some Baby Morgan smiles.  She was such a ham last night with the smiles and giggles.

At 9:20, we loaded up the boys.  The Gipsons decided to join us.  They live 1 mile from the display grounds, so we were there pretty quick, parked, and in a FABULOUS spot just as the National Anthem was ending.  We had a spot, on a little hill, between a few trees.  There was no one withing 50 feet of us.  It was our two families, watching the beautiful fireworks, in a cool breeze, in a world of our own.  Colton and Ethan were on a blanket in front of us, while Willy and I sat in chairs.  His hand was on my knee, and I felt on good.  Colton turns around, about half-way through and says, "I bet Lucas and Caleb are really loving these fireworks."
Willy replies with, "I am sure they are, they have the best seat in the house."

I cannot explain how my heart just exploded with love at that very moment.  It felt like Lucas and Caleb were right there with us for just a few moments.  I mean right there.  And it made me feel so good to be sitting there, to hear that short conversation.  Although I will always, always miss my babies, and there will forever be a hole, I feel good about their place in our family.  I know it is the most I will get while here on Earth, and I am going to embrace it.

Happy 13 Months Sweet Babies

Lucas and Caleb,

Well, we've made it through the first month of the second year.  This past month has really been a transitional month.  We've been busy, super busy.  And I feel that things are beginning to come back together.  I still think of the two of you everyday, and miss you everyday.  But more and more your memories bring me smiles instead of tears. 

We went to Columbus, OH this month to visit great-grandma June.  Grandpa Tim went with us and we really had a great time.  Colton and Ethan have both been to VBS, and we've been to tons of parks and such.  We spend a lot of time outside when the heat isn't brutal.  This June has been so very different from last June.  For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure when I'll stop with the monthly letters.  It's possible I'll always write them.  This 1st is just your day of the month.  Colton woke up this morning and asked to talk about you as soon as I sat next to him on the couch.  Love that boy.  He also know that this is your day every month.

I really don't have tons to say today.  We all love and miss you, and know you are with us always. 

Mommy

Random Thoughts on a Monday

Wow!  We've really been busy.  Really, really busy.  And now that I'm home for a day, without Colton and Ethan, I am having time to process some things.  First I miss my boys this moment, all four of them.  I miss Colton's random hugs through the day and Ethan's priceless smile with the eye squint.  Those two boys really make my world go round.  And I miss Lucas and Caleb today.  I miss that they probably would have been with us when Willy and I had lunch, or that we wouldn't have gone out to lunch.  I am pretty sure it was to be a rare occasion that Grandma took all four boys at the same time, let alone for two nights.  So, honestly, I probably wouldn't be alone right now had Lucas and Caleb lived. 

I'm in a weird place right now.  Maybe I jumped back into live too quickly after their birthday.  Maybe I'm not giving myself enough down time and just avoiding the hole that is still there.  Maybe the desire to have our rainbow is just so strong right now that it is magnify-ing grief.  Who knows.  There are really no answers, just speculations.

Other than all that, I am feeling pretty great most the time.  I feel so full of life most of the time.  I am ready to go and fully enjoying every single moment I have with Colton and Ethan.  In less than 9 weeks, Colton will be starting kindergarten.  In 9 weeks, Ethan will be starting pre-school.  My time with them will be less.  Every moment is that much more special.

So, I keep going back to the downer side.  I guess it's really just where I am at this moment.  I haven't been in the space much to write this month.  I have been keeping up with everyone else, and another wave of pregnancy announcements.  (Also a possible pregnancy in jeopardy, please keep T in your thoughts and prayers). 

What are the Odds?

Funny title, right?  I know lots of odds.  Being where I am, going through what we've gone through, odds aren't always our friend.  Today started out that way.

I am doing a scrapbooking bible study for the next seven weeks with Kristan.  YAY, what fun!  For the past couple of days I have been thinking about how I would introduce myself.  It is all women, we all have children, but how would I explain my children.  I've really come to the "need to know" basis when it comes to Lucas and Caleb.  I don't want the first thing out of my mouth to be "dead babies", and I don't want to be , "That girl over there..."  So I had decided I would introduce them to these women in a few weeks when it came up in our bible study conversation.  (They always come up when it comes to my faith.)

Well, the plan changed, BIG TIME!!  We were sitting around waiting for one more mom to show up.  Our cooridinator explained that this mom was running late, and that her plate was really full.  Her husband works out of town, she has two under three, and is expecting twins.  Brick Wall!!  Kristan quickly looked at me and asked if I would be okay.  I took a deep breath, said I could handle it, or we would see.  Well, my never missed friend, anxiety, hit as it was my turn to introduce myself.  I started crying as soon as it was my turn.  I couldn't say anything except I'm sorry.  Kristan took over for me.  I have to say, friends like her are incredibly rare.  She always knows where I am and how to help.  She starts with, "Carrie is a mom of four."  Those words mean so very much to me.  By the time she finished my introduction, a few others were crying and there was a hug and my waterproof mascera once again proved itself.

Well, the mom walked in, looking tiny.  I figured her to be 6-10 weeks.  As she is introducing herself, I find out she's having twin boys.  Really?  Lord, what's your plan here?  Pretty sure it's not the same as mine.  There are EIGHT women in this study.  Three are pregnant and one with twin boys.  Hmmmm.....

As we sat afterwards, visiting, I couldn't help but overhear parts of her conversation with another expecting mom.  They were discussing how different her twin pregnancy is from her previous single pregnancies.  She also talked about all the ultrasouds, and how she really didn't understand the reason for them.  It took quite a bit of strength to not say anything to her.  (By the way she is probably closer to 18-22 weeks)  I know that I wasn't completely educated, but I did TONS of research on twin pregnancies.  Anyway, I quickly moved my attention to the conversation about c-sections.

On the way home, I let go of it all.  I had a good,  hard cry.  Lots of questions about why now, when things are going so well.   Lots of why me, because that is usually one of the first questions I ask when things hit hard.  And then the song,  "All Who are Thirsty" came on the radio, and the crying stopped. I must say Thank you.

So, I get home, rotate laundry, and receive a call from a friend who normally is at work on Mondays.  She took the day off since her husband was sick.  She wanted to meet us at the park for a picnic with our kiddos.  Fabulous idea!  She gets me, also.  We have an unspoken bond (seriously unspoken), and she is also wonderful.  We met, our kids played, and we decided to walk around the lake some.  We came to the bridge over the creek and look who greeted me.

They are always here when I need them the most.

To Daddy on Father's Day

This is a day early, but since we are spending tomorrow at White Water, I thought I would share this today.  Last year for Father's Day Willy spent most the day in bed and I spent alot of that time hating the world for taking my boys.  Not only for the hurt I was feeling, but the hurt Willy was feeling.  I still have some anger about him having to go through this also.  It still breaks my heart, especially as tomorrow approaches.  I found this poem last year and it sparked a change in me.  It was Father's Day last year when I discovered the Babyloss community.  And I can never fully express my gratitude to the community.


To Daddy on Father's Day


Don't cry for me Daddy
We are right here
Although you can't see us
We see your tears


We visit you often
Go to work with you each day
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillow where we lay


We hold your hand and stroke your hair
And whisper in your ear
If you're sad today Daddy
Remember we are here


We are Daddy's little angel's
We will never be apart
For every time you think of us
Please know we're in your heart.


We love you Daddy!


Your baby angels


(author unknown)