I am quickly approaching the last time we heard Lucas' heartbeat. 5:23pm, it was 164 and he was moving around. My heart is beginning to break all over right now.
So far today has been slightly up and down. No major meltdowns, and some smiles. But that is all changing now. I can now feel all the weight holding me down. I feel like I am beginning to drown some. My mind is suddenly replaying every moment of the 31st last year. The countdown to 48 hours.
Soon Mike and Dru would be coming by with the boys to visit. They left the boys with Willy so they could start their new routine. After 6:00pm the critical time passed, and Willy needed to get some sleep in his own bed. The plan was for him to work from home part-time. Kristan would be able to come if I needed her to and Jill would soon be over so I wouldn't be alone for long. I was surrounded by so many during this time, and for that I am grateful.
I will always hate that I sent Willy home. I will always hope that he never feels guilty for not being there when we learned that Lucas died, and again when I went in for my c-section. And I will never forget those moments when our eyes met, and his heart broke for me, and for our sons. I will never fully understand how he feels, but I love him for feeling the way he does.
I have no idea what this time has in store for us, but it's off to a rough start. I am sure I will write here often, just to share different things over the next day or so. I am so grateful for this place. I can't believe this time is already here. The next 32 hours are reminders of everything we went through. Lucas dying, the c-section, seeing my Caleb for the first time, finding out there was no more hope, holding both my babies together, and losing our second son in two days.I miss you, my babies.
Oh, these times are so hard. It is still so hard to understand how this has happened.
ReplyDeleteI'll be reading and remembering Caleb and Lucas with you. Sending you so much love.